"Do What You Want"

The title, a quote from my favorite theorist and for the sake of anonymity we'll call him Nate, my brother. It's a funny thing what makes you think about things the most - in this case a simple admonition to do what is most simple: think of myself first.

I'll try it.

wishin' and hopin' and dreamin'

There are few things in life that require weeks of careful thought and consideration. One of them for me is whether or not I'm worthy of someone's unconditional love and devotion. My conclusion as of late was "no" I'm not worthy and it put me on a path to discovery. I'm finding out first that the only reason I would ever feel "unworthy" is because of an unhealthy dislike for myself. Why would I not like myself? It is a vulnerable question I think to be posting on a mere blog, but I feel I am not alone in this and that others might benefit from my vulnerability. I'm finding that even deeper down, I dislike myself enough to convince myself that Romans 8:1 is untrue ("There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"). I am in Christ, but I continue to condemn myself. In a way it is a form of obstinate pride. Who am I to condemn what God does not?! One person allowed that it might be true that I like to feel unhappy. I feel that this is a way for me to punish myself for being so unworthy, un-liked, sinful, hurtful and careless with other peoples' feelings. And at a very high cost to myself I feel it necessary to be consistent with my unworthiness, and continue finding reasons to be able to justify my self-condemnation and consequent punishment. This means that I will behave towards people as though I don't give a damn, when in fact my health and happiness depend on my faithfulness to these people. I am referring to more than one person in this case, although one stands out in my heart.

So what would be the beginning of healing and getting on the road to worthiness? It's too simple, and for me nearly impossible. I need to accept myself for who and what I am, and subsequently allow God to accept me as I am. I cannot do one without the other. If I don't accept what I am, how can I expect God to change me from the inside out? What is there to change if I am in denial, or if I am in a state of constant self-condemnation? Who am I to decide who I get to be? That, my friend, would be prideful arrogance. God created me to be me, not someone that I want to be.

So what am I? Who is it that I need to accept? I am selfish; I thrive on feeling needed but only for the purposes of controlling those who need me; I am resentful towards family members for not being more sensitive to my needs; I am angry with God; I am afraid God wants to take the things I love the most; I don't trust God or people; I prefer solitude to potential pain; I prefer misery to risk; I am a people (mom)- pleaser often to my detriment; I am self-righteous and try to prove it; I am failing in my relationship with Christ (due to lack of trust). These are only a few of the negative qualities that I have discovered in these past few days. Some of the more positive qualities are that I will give of myself freely in love; I will give my life for my family that I resent so much; I will live to serve the God I don't trust or know very well; my heart's devotion to those I love stretches beyond time and space; my intention is always to do what is best (just not always for myself);... um, it's much more difficult for me to think on this point.

Step one of my solution for now: repeat Romans 8:1 several times a day. Step two: try honesty.

person whisperer

There is a way to excersize your brain and soul. For everyone it's different. For me its running. The other night I went for a "jun" (not quite a jog, but not a run either) and I was thinking, praying and meditating on my life, my self, my desicions and everything in between. As I'm "junning" the face of a man enters my head, he's a round-faced Mexican with too-white teeth and a thousand dogs in his yard the size of a dude ranch. You got it, Cesar Milan, the infamous dog whisperer... why did I think of him?

This crazy Mexican says that dogs need three things to live healthy, happy lives:

Excersize

Discipline

Affection

-- in that order.

I'm thinking I've gone batty since I'm thinking of the dog whisperer during my "jun" that is meant for clearing my head and praying for direction in life. Then I think, 'wait, can't that be applied to people at some level?' I need to excersize (my spiritual gifts, my physical body, my brain), I need discipline (daily devotional, a routine, eating right), and then maybe - JUST MAYBE - God will see fit to reward me with affection and show me the path to true joy and peace, and allow me to "affect" (love).

Not that I think God withholds affection from me, I think that if He requires me to excersize and lead a more disciplined life, that is His highest form of love because in the end I will be grateful and live a joyful life.