get rid of it

Some have said cleanliness is next to godliness. Because experience is Life's great teacher, I tend to agree. After losing the last 2 and 1/2 years of my life (in it's electronic form: half of a book I was writing, over 7,000 music files/downloads, my fiendish photo hobby), I've been feeling an odd sense of release. Cleaned out, if you will. While I cried in front of the GeekSquad it was just in that moment I couldn't see it clearly, and since then I've had some time to reflect on this loss.

I heard a song today, it was a new song, and since hearing it I've become aware of things inside me -- things I never would have been aware of if I still had my old hard drive. I obtained all that music from old boyfriends, friends that proved all wrong for me, and from times in my life that I would rather forget. Those 7,000 files represented the "old man" in me.

More than that. I realized half of the music I listened to all the time, I DIDN'T LIKE. I'm finding there is a new person in me, the Emily that has actual taste to match her personality. I used to say that I listened to "everything." Usually if you say that it really means you don't listen to anything at all really, but in my case I was listening to EvERyTHinG. I would pride myself on the sole fact that I knew at least one line from the lyrics of every song ever written from the Glen Miller big band orchestra to Elvis Presley to Sting.

I've been on a quest in the last few hours to find music that really inspires me, that feeds my soul, the way that God created music to do. I'm finding that I'm harder to please than I expected, but it's encouraging to know that I won't have to download half of the music ever written all over again.

Deeper in Love

I think there is a kind of de facto that occurs with obtaining wisdom or with a simple and faith-driven revelation. When I realized the kind and quality of love that God feels for me - I mean, the kind a fairy tale prince couldn't compare to - was when I started feeling more resentful of my situation in life. I'm "stuck" here. I don't have options. I guess waiting is the theme God has employed in my life.

I'm melancholy, no fun, and touchy, and then what does God do?

He loves me... again.

And he wants me to know more than ever in these past weeks that His love doesn't depend on my mood or circumstance. I read today that God purposely puts His saints in useless places (I had to re-read it, too). Useless? Yes! Because He is not worried about me feeling "useful," He wants me to live a life that glorifies Him to the utmost. Period. If serving Him in this hole that I'm stuck in honors Him, then I will devote myself to the hole. It's God's hole. I am nobody unless my life is His.

Deeper in love. I'm falling down this deep, endless, warm and inviting abyss of love. If I could describe to you the holes in me that are being filled, the wounds healed, the joy fulfilled, the strength provided, the utter peace within my soul... you would beg the same of Him.

His love has no boundaries. Grasp that one truth and trust, and then hang on. Life is not roses, so don't expect God to give you whatever you want, or to bless you with riches. His promise is heaven and that cannot be compared to even your most passionate desire here on earth.

Falling in love

It's funny when your life makes weird little shifts. I used to thrive on change and switching it up and making sure life didn't get too cyclical. Now, after some study and experience, I've found that constant change is probably the best way to develop inconsistent behavior and attitudes.

Change doesn't scare me, I welcome change if it is brought by God.

So I'm faced with this little life-shift. Nothing life-changing, but still, I've had to adjust. There is a certain melancholy that comes with this shift and this melancholy state has driven me to the arms of my Lover.

I want to talk about the effect of constant communion with God. The more I talk to God, worship Him, and persist in my requests of Him, I have a natural pull -- like gravity -- to be with Him more. To talk about Him more. To Love Him, Honor Him, and an urgent desire to Please Him more.

If you are wondering what it is like to be in love. To really love. Run to God. Bring yourself before Him face to face. Leave nothing hidden from Him, be honest with how you feel about Him, your life and circumstances. You can yell at Him for injustices, you can praise Him until your tongue bleeds, but in the end there is One thing left that you will desire. There will still be Something that you want more and the thirst can be insatiable: Him. Only Him.

Fall obnoxiously in Love with Him, you will find yourself craving more of His presence, you will read His Word like it was His own personal love letter written directly and only for you. He invites us to this world where heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, where your heart turns violently inside of your chest, and you won't have time for regrets, when you think about the way He loves you.