I know the thing these days is Facebook notes, maybe my blog is a little antiquated, or more like a diary than a blog. Blogs are supposed to help people, give them pointers on how to live their lives, and give them occasional discounts and coupons so that they keep coming back to visit.
This blog is different. Some people blow off steam by bungee jumping or taking kick boxing classes. This is how I do it. I'm emotionally distraught and I feel turned upside down, and I feel... Alone. So I write. And some would say, write it down privately! Why do I have to publish my issues? I like to think at least one person out there reads this and thinks to themselves, "I get it." Truth be told, I in fact AM alone, so at least my sentiments match my circumstances - i.e. I am not a crazy person.
I wish that I could be more open, more brutal with how I actually feel about this subject. This evasive one about love. Now, I could have gone into it from a spiritual angle, which would have been noble, but forced. I know that God loves me, I know Jesus died for me while I was even more vile than I am currently, and that my efforts to please Him don't make Him love me more, and my failures don't make Him love me less.
The fact remains: I am experiencing a deep sense of aloneness.
I have friends, people have been generous and giving and sacrificial to the point of going out of their way to show me that they care about me, that I can ask for help. That I can just be me. Even with them, I find it difficult to be me, mainly since I seem to have forgotten. I've forgotten my likes and dislikes! Even food tastes different. All food. My favorite food. It doesn't give the same sense of satisfaction and community that it used to.
"Solidarity" is what my brother-in-law would call it. Eating to feel a kinship with people. Doing something to build a lasting bond with another person.
It is probably important here to note that I used to consider this a temporary state of mind. That this feeling separated was something that would dissipate with time. Some might say that I didn't give it enough time, that I never stay in one place long enough for it to stick. I'm no genius, but people meet, get engaged and then married often in the course of one year. I think three years has to be quite enough for me to feel integrated into a community.
Then, I let the thought creep in, and who wouldn't, that it was because I am single. Maybe I just need the companion that I was meant to have since the creation of man. Some women, foolish women, argue that it was the man, not the woman, who needed the helper. So single women can feel empowered or whatever devil-invented word they use these days for women to convince themselves they are fine being alone.
Then, instead of companionship or community, and this is the situation I now find myself in, I bury myself in activity, participating in other peoples lives, rather than investing in my own. There is something to be said for family. They are integral, critical even, for my sense of well-being. I will not resent them for beginning families of their own, but I will feel less like I am a part of it all. And I add to the activity: work, hobby, entertainment, friends. All only to distract myself from this sense that I am in this world, but not a part of it.
How biblical of me! I would pat myself on the back if I felt that this did anything other than make me feel spiritually inadequate. I know, you don't have to comfort me with yet another sermon about how we are all inadequate, or the other version that says we are all just adequate enough because God chose us.
The surprising thing, if you haven't picked up on this yet, is that I am not "depressed." I am not in despair. I do not have an overwhelming sadness that chokes me in the nighttime. I know some people do struggle with such things, but I feel no... solidarity with those people. Haha! My brother-in-law teaches me well.
My theory is that my sense of feeling a part of something is directly related to loving other people, yet I also don't feel the urgency of loving others like I used to. Am I hardened? If I were attending the twelve-step program they would tell me that I need to take care of myself first. I wonder if the two things are not mutually exclusive: love to be loved. It's biblical, right? I love God because He loves me. If I wish to be loved, it follows that I should love others. But the risk God took was crazy. Loving first always means heartbreak. What of loving one's self? Is that a conscious effort? If so, that seems highly egotistical. But if it isn't a conscious effort, how will we know how to love our neighbor?
Classic chicken-or-the-egg conversation starter for the next theological discussion you find yourself in.
In conclusion, I have no solution. I have no words of revelation. I am simply putting this out there for my own sake. My prayer is for a revelation to take place, and I cannot promise that I will or will not share the results of such a gift, should God choose to give it. I cannot promise that even if He does and I do share it here, that anyone would understand its significance or its depth. I have at least come to understand one thing, that sometimes asking how another person dealt with a similar problem does not lead to fixing it. Sometimes it only leads to more confusion.
