Peli-Q-La

The other day I was just thinking of whether or not I would rather go home or try to stick it out here for another couple of years. My poor ear is not cooperating with the training it has received in the past 4 months and I still find myself zoning out and saying "¿como?" a few times a day... Sebas has been wonderful and I feel like I can talk like a fool in front of him, and when he gently corrects the stupidest mistakes I make I don't feel I'm being made fun of or that he thinks I'm dumb for slipping and saying "patriota" instead of "compatriota". In any other situation I either keep my mouth shut terrified of failing to remember that an article is feminine or that an indirect object comes before the direct object...

Yesterday, watching the game for example, I wanted to say "Probate el valor" meaning to say "prove your worth" ... to this moment it sounds right to me, but I would never say it outloud for fear it was just a silly (wrong) guess. Then I don't have to worry about being in a situation similar to that of who I will call "Pili-Q-la". While this person is the sweetest thing on earth, there was no avoiding a few jabs behind her back about her horrendous pronunciation and grammar.

I had Ogi and Seb over for lunch at our house the other day, Pili-Q-la, Mom, and my sister and her boyfriend were all there. Pili-Q-la and I were the only ones not native to the language (along with Ogi)... and everyone believed poor Pili-Q-la was speaking spanish, but she may as well have been speaking Chinese or Arabic judging from the looks on the faces of everyone there - you know the one: squinted eyes, head cocked to the side a little with an ear turned slightly towards the speaker... as if you must not be hearing the person right because it was so ridiculous.

This is my fear. I live with this fear, and I wish to overcome it.