I'm losing it

I can't stand to read my own blogs... I deleted a bunch of them and I spent the last half an hour thinking up something all smart to say and I came up with some pretty dang good ideas if I do say so myself... if only they were interesting. I neeeeed to write! I've got nothing.

anecdote or antidote?

I don't so much want to escape this place, this tundra of -20 degrees ferenheit, no. In fact I've never been more content here with growing friendships, leadening anchors and true purpose. It's just that --- my first love! Travel. Adventure. Having something to write about. If I'm not somewhere I'm not anything and when I'm nowhere and think about somewhere my heart races, my palms sweat and my mouth waters. What is that? Lust?

Whoever decided to invent the word "content" must have lived a charmed life. I'm doing my darndest to find contentment, and really the only time I feel that I have half a chance of not going insane from restlessness -- the need to go to Mexico, Colombia, Brazil or really wherever God will lead me -- is when I spend a time in prayer.

Prayer. It's a funny thing to go from total confusion to complete peace in just a single moment from just a few words uttered up to outer space.

This restlessness gets a tougher to choke back everyday. Anxious to go and becoming more anchored here; getting less attached and more involved, and on another level more attached; letting God handle things here and then being obligated to stay anyway. Thinking on what Pastor Mark might say if asked about it all, I think I'll start here and start small and His plan will unfold, doors will open - or close - , my heart will lead me as long as my heart is the Lord's; now He and my heart are safely locked up just to the right of my soul.

P.S. I wrote a poem

Flesh
This softness
fragile, breakable
Its strength formidable

Complex and misunderstood
a weapon, a vice
Pain's source
Sorrow's fount

Soft flesh
Tough bone
a cage, a home
Inviting, deceptive
enticing, vicious, constricting

Nothing
everything
Nothing
obsession
Nothing

A tool in the Hand
useful, humble
A wineskin without wine
dry

Poured out
Healing balm
Empty
Thirsty
Nothing

The Plan

Words escape me right now... I give out this blog to everyone I know and it really is a bit amazing how much I share, and have shared on my blog. In other respects its amazing how much I haven't shared considering how much I have already shared.

That said, I got home from Faithwalkers, an event with Evergreen, The Rock Church, which is a part of the Great Commission Movement in the U.S. here. I went to a particular workshop where a passionate missionary said two things that stuck with me. The first was that he didn't think that this movement had a clue about missions and what they mean to the Great Commission (it essentially is the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19,20). There are virtually no missionaries going out from the churches of GCM. The second thing he said was a question: "why is the default to stay?" He stated matter-of-factly that it is logically the next step in the Christian walk, we should be planning to go and be only willing to stay!

Another inspiration of this week was International Student Ministries (ISM). Logically this ministry targets students from other countries because they are here, we don't pay to go to the other country, and we can disciple them for a period of time while they are here to study. When they go to their home countries they don't need special visas, they don't need to study a language or learn to adapt to a new culture, and can be their countries own Light! It was pointed out to me that the Rock where I attend does not participate in ISM and I have taken it upon myself and inspired at least one other person with little effort to begin this project. I have already told one of my small group leaders so I will be held accountable for what I'm up to and planning to do.

Speaking of plans...

I don't know what God wants me to do; this isn't news and I'm sure it sounds like you've heard it before. In any case the plan was that after an extended period of time here (I still don't know how long) I would go back to Esperanza Viva in Puebla to serve there as an intern for the alotted year, work and learn and from there work on a ministry in Colombia, and I feel even a tug towards the Amazon of Brazil. Long story short, I feel that I've already boxed God in and the old saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" has stuck with me even till now. I honestly can say that my desire, my heart is for this plan, but there comes a point where this plan has to take a back-seat to God's Ultimate Plan.

You're my Everything!