The Clamp

I've become quite familiar with a peculiar type of clamp. It is the one you might utilize when things get too difficult or painful, and while this clamp is clearly psychosomatic and has no healing effects whatsoever, it comes dearly in handy in those dangerous situations where you might just feel something, when you don't want to lay your cards on the table, when you want to play it cool, when you need to control the situation. In many ways this clamp, this dear friend of mine, has made things easier, less painful, and best of all it can discount all feelings! It discredits all emotion, pushes it all out of you like a tube of toothpaste, and can pretty much make you a numb ball of nothing for a while. Useless, like an empty tube of toothpaste...

In recent years I have not had a reason to wield this power. Oh this lovely cage of protection! I welcome it now. It was surprising how easy it was to dig out of my old habits. Sadness is not in my nature, the disappointment will hopefully pass, and then one day I will look back and see the heartbeat of my life and for one little blip there will be a flatline. That part of my life where normalcy, my heart, and all things emotional took a little nap -- or went into a coma, however you would like to perceive it.

Problem number one: This tactic is old and worn. It takes a lot out of me to keep up the facade. I know it has nothing to do with this ridiculous theme of "guarding your heart." I know instead of trusting God, I just take control, place this glorious mechanism on my heart, and steer the wheel away from all species of hurt even if God wants me to learn from it. I feel like the little kid in Daddy's lap as we drive along. Sometimes I like to be ornery and grab onto the steering wheel, feeling smarter than Dad and pulling off the road where it looks like it might be too difficult to mud through.

How about mudding through, God? How about taking the hard road and not wasting all that emotional toothpaste?

Umm... Let me think about it.