On Atheism

I was in the midst of a half-hearted prayer, a bit frustrated with myself because I couldn't muster up some real motivation. I continued to pray anyway.

Suddenly, the thought strikes me: I'd rather be half-hearted and have my faith than be an atheist. I wondered where this thought came from, and prayed some more. Sometimes I can't help but think that random thoughts, especially during prayer, are not random at all.

So I begin to think, pray, and philosophize.

If I were to ask an atheist if he believed in anything spiritual, he would likely say no. Unless he was simply anti-Christ, which is different from being an atheist, who would be anti-god(s). If I were to ask if he believed in good and evil, or even in a primeval moral code - e.g. "You shouldn't do XYZ, because there are moral and physical consequences," etc.

And what if he said, as I've heard said before, "I don't believe that it's inherent, I believe it is learned." All the malarky about societal and cultural law. That does not negate the twinge in the conscience of the atheist. Can the atheist even explain a conscience, which is an involuntary emotional reaction? It's like the "ouch!" after stubbing the toe.

How do you learn something that is involuntary?

The conscience has been proven to be capable of abolition. This involuntary reaction, just as much as the toe-stubbed "ouch!" can be unlearned. We can train ourselves to ignore the twinge, ignore the pain, ignore even our own sense of compassion.

I argue, possibly very primitively, that the conscience is a created trait. Not by humans, but by a Being much smarter than our bull-headed selves who want to live without consequences, or at least who want to convince ourselves that nothing will happen to us if we decide to turn evil.

Even this thought, should it be conscious or sub-consciously thought by Mr. Atheist, proves that in his heart he is certain there is a God, doesn't it?

Why Give Thanks?

The other afternoon, my girls, fellow supervisors, and I went for a little walk. There's a giant chunck of green that somehow squeezes in about 6 soccer fields. On this sunny day we walked down the dusty little path that sometimes passes for the road leading to our front gates.

Arriving at the fields we chose to sit in the circle painted white on lush green in the very center of the grounds. We sat down with the intention of having a "picnic," which in fact was a corporate binge on a bunch of rarely-eaten junk food (Doritoes, Cheetos, chips, etc.).

As we sat down, I thought, what a good moment to make into something meaningful. So as the last girl plopped down with her Mexican version of cheetos, I said, "This week is Thanksgiving, so maybe we should say what we're most thankful for."

They agreed, and we began.

Esmeralda was first. She is the most sincere little grown-up of a girl. She said that she is thankful for her mom and dad, who God had blessed her with, and for her supervisors. She was proud that each one of us were HER supervisors. And from then, one by one, they would mention the thing they were most thankful for, and toss in the honorable mention for their supervisors.

While it may have been personal gratification to start with, I began to think of them 10 years from now. What will they say about me then? What impact will I have had on them by the time they have children? Will they continue to be thankful for the people that did their best to raise them? Will their own children reflect the training they received from me and my fellow missionaries?

I begin to worry a bit, and just like a mother, I begin to pray.

"I'll do whatever I want." - the Christian

RECENTLY, I felt as if I were hanging off a precipice, ready to fall, ready to just let go and start floating, ready to stop fighting.

Then I felt a hand grab mine and effortlessly pull me up out of the abyss of self-centeredness. God has been so faithful, it's so unfair that I can't be the same with Him, but I've come to the conclusion that I might be even dumber than the whole entire nation of Israel, and He never gave up on them. I haven't molded any golden livestock or anything, but my heart sometimes drifts in that direction.

God is teaching me a lot, and I've been able to skooch a little closer to Him with each effort I make. He's surprisingly present, nearly tangible lately.

An example is that just today, as I seriously peruse my Facebook page for the first time in a long time (you're not a true missionary until all your friendships are maintained using this medium), I find a note. It was simple, short, referring to St. Augustine's "Love God and do as you please."

This immediately brought to mind that verse in Ecclesiastes. Funny how when God speaks we say, "And I just thought of it!" Like it was our own wisdom or something... we're so dumb sometimes. Anyway, the verse,

"Be happy, young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment."

This verse always gets me thinking. Sometimes too hard... Then I recall a brief conversation I had with God only yesterday; it's one of those inner conversations. No audible voices, no pillar of fire.

So, as we're hashing things out, I'm all bent out of shape because I feel like God has given me a vision, a dream, something to stride toward for the REST OF MY LIFE. I'm excited, right?

I say to Him, "Listen, this is what I feel like is right. I want the whole world to know of your love, but I don't want to do anything about it unless I'm sure that I'm sure this is the heart behind what I decide to do."

He responds, almost nonchalantly, "Well, if that's your heart behind your decision, go ahead."

So I find out there may not be a formula for everyone, but it turns out that when I am close to God, it is true, He feeds my heart's desires, creates thoughts that wouldn't formulate by themselves, and it's actually true, that the Bible says, "Follow your heart." There's a clause though that Hollywood overlooked: "know that for all these things God will bring you to judgement."

I've even tested this theory and drawn away from God for a time... just to see. This is a dangerous feat and should not be attempted at home without adult supervision. However, guess what happened? No less than a week, and these same amazing, life-changing desires evaporated. I started panicking - and then praying.

Almost as soon as I said His Name - His glorious and powerful Name - the dreams and desires came flooding back into my heart.