This time around (a visit home)

After more than a weeks' absence from my job at Living Hope International, I see now that there is so much going on in this world.  Unfortunately, and to no fault of the ministry, my line of work creates a sort of isolation that is not ideal for a woman of my personality. I love my ministry, I enjoy my girls, and I am even excited about the experience offered to me by the areas of ministry that God has placed me in. But there is always a quiet little voice in my heart...

My dream, when I am home, is renewed. I feel the tug on my being, the pull on my heart to begin working toward that dream. Briefly put, I want to change the world. I want to literally go international with what God is doing, His hand, His work, His glory. I'm tired of Him being ignored, His credit being wasted on politicians, and His work and His people being unreported or underappreciated. I will need your prayers...

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The effects of seeing friends, and "catching up" is hard. There is little I can do to try and keep up with it all since not only do people change, but there are new people invading each time I visit. I meet more strangers with each visit and wonder if we might have been good friends if I were to stay on.

I spent a good amount of time with my family, they all seem to be doing relatively well - relative to how they may have been doing a month ago. I love them all dearly.  A popular topic among them, especially Grandma, was my "love life," for lack of a better term. Granny's questions and theories as to why I continue to choose to be single and not date is that I'm afraid of men. I assured her this was not the case, that I had taken Tai Kwon Do and know the basic maneuvers well enough.

The weddings that are being planned are allegedly weakening my resolve - according to my mom. She says that because there will be three consecutive weddings in which I am a bride's maid, that it's making me think about it. I admit, I began briefly to think of my own wedding and even considered calling the zoo to find out how much they'd charge to rent the elephants, but I decided to hold off.

The time that I spend with friends, I have to say, is HIGHLY enjoyable. I can't appreciate them enough, love them enough, or tell them how wonderful they are enough. I try to refrain because then I start to sound like a crazy person. The folks that are in my life are priceless brothers and sisters in Christ. How meaningful it is to know that they support me in life, in prayer, in ministry, in every way. And how fun is it to come home to find that they still want to barbecue, grab a bite, sit on a dock, go swimming at midnight, and simply spend time together in fellowship and foolishness.

This visit was lovely, and I look forward to the next with such anticipation of memories to be created, and love to be spread about like wildflowers.

Full, Empty, Full

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. It turns out that being empty is the best way to live fully. I began this journey with Living Hope International full of ideas, full of a lot of reasons, and full of a lot of good-will. As with most things, the mind and heart decieve. I arrived and my ideas were undeveloped, my reasons unrealistic, and my good-will was - and is - continually tested.

Sometimes I have these profound experiences, fleeting thoughts with this deep sense of "that's a person." Nine girls. Several co-servants. Four bosses. Students. Children. Teachers. Adults from every imaginable background. Different doctrines. Varying opinions. Shallow people. People who feel deeply. Loving people. Proud people. Hard people. Every day.

To anyone considering full-time missionary work, or even just dealing with low-key life, and seeking advice, I'd say, "Empty the trash."  Dealing with people in "real life" is hard enough. Dealing with incredibly messy people from whom you have no escape on a daily basis, that's called voluntary emotional maltreatment. There are two seperate and distinct "Christian" ways to deal with this phenomenon:

1) Not say anything and believe yourself to be the most humble, patient, and saintly person ever to breathe this world's air, thus developing the lovely characteristics of being pompous, pious, and proud.

2) Empty the trash.

By that I mean, give it to God. I'm slowly arriving to the absolute truth that once offered to God, our desires, anger, resentment, impatience, boredom, this act of "emptying" ourselves out to God will end with a sense of completeness, fullness, freedom, even joy (sufficiently considered, this is a very potent word).

The common argument is that "we're only human."

As Christians we're more than conquerers. As Christians we're called to be more. We are expected - even by the secular onlookers - to live above reproach (to have nothing to accuse us of). Why? It doesn't seem fair. After all, we're only human. Or are we?

Phillipians 2:5,12
"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus...  for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose."

It's not fair. It's not fair that God had to die for my sick and twisted side - both of them. It's not fair that the majority of this world dies for the hardness of their hearts. It's not fair that even when life is offered, it is in the same moment rejected. It's not fair that God, the very source of love, is the least loved Being that can be found within and without the realm of time.

Once we say "yes" to Christ the question is no longer about "fair." The question is whether making room for God, by emptying the trash and letting Him govern your soul, your desires, your life, is the only way to fill yourself with life-giving purpose.

To be clear, that feeling, that frustrating sensation that you could be more, do more, that you should try something new so that maybe this feeling will go away, the sense even in the happiest person of boredom with life is still there. Even if it is only felt in secret, if you never admit that you feel that something is missing, that there's more... It's there. Lurking.

I've concluded that feeling never goes away.

Even when you meet Him, even when you know Him, even when you pursue Him with every part of your being. It NEVER GOES AWAY.

Why? Why does this life still lack so much?

Because this is not home. We were created for something more, but we ruined it. Now our only recourse is to hope. Believing that God will make us whole in the end. Entering into His throne room will not bring fear and trembling so much as awe and the fully realized sense of FILLED.

There will be nothing left to attain, no ambition, no competition, no temptation, no sorrow. Only fullness. In every sense. Nothing will be left out. We will not arrive and say, "But what about ___?" All things will be revealed, especially our vain pursuits to try to fill ourselves with God-knows-what.

Arriving Home, the emptiest soul is the one that I believe will have less to lament. The one that is full of those things that we stored up in our hearts, for many it will likely be pride: "But look how I behaved in X situation, it was highly Christ-like of me, no?" "I was so patient with person A, I bet that will get me a big ol´ crown in Heaven."

Check yourself. Empty the trash. It's the only way to fully live, now and forever.