MY Peter and John (or the figuring it out all over again note)

While in Mexico, someone said, "I appreciated that blog because she painted the picture of the petty-but-real struggles of missionaries." Referring to a different missionary-blogger who simply wanted a pair of boots. Thinking about these boots was taking up some of her time and energy and she was worried she was wasting valuable mission time, and even blogged about the boots.

It's not fair. Because of the title "missionary," it makes us automatically 100% selfless all the time? If that was a prerequisite for missionary work I think I lied on my resume.



Dear reader, after  months of silence, I feel the need to divulge my thoughts. Starting today, this blog will be the fount of the very wisdom, or lack-thereof, which I gleaned/will glean from the experience - past or present - of missions, and a heart that struggles to follow after Christ... it is my own personal "Ecclesiastes" if you will.

One reality that I've discovered is that missionaries are people too. I think the people that know me have not put me on any sort of pedestal, but I have been mentally placing missionaries on that high place for as long as I can remember.

My own idle-thinking as a missionary-in-transition, now leans towards friendships. I do think about them in a selfless capacity; admire my dear friends, encourage them, wish that I could do more for them, minister to them, etc. Also, I worry about their longevity, their sincerity, their depth. How real are they? Who would I die for? Who would die for me (really)? Is there a friendship I have that could be compared to say Jonathan and David? Am I a good, or a bad friend? Am I investing in the right friends?

One could say that I seem less Christian or at least that I have less faith because I am supposed to rest in God, believe Christ for my fulfillment, but the reality of my thoughts are that I crave relationship, friendship, companionship, and my preoccupation and my prayer for the next few weeks (now that I have come away from the mission field in Puebla and I am starting over both missionally and relationally) will be just that: who makes the cut? How should I reintegrate into my church? What (few) friendships should I really pray over, stress about, invest in?

I am certain that in a short time, those people will realize who they are, and unfortunately, the others, the ones on the wayside, will also surely find out on which side of the road they are on. This is now a journey of "who is my Peter and John."