Love, Party of One

I know the thing these days is Facebook notes, maybe my blog is a little antiquated, or more like a diary than a blog. Blogs are supposed to help people, give them pointers on how to live their lives, and give them occasional discounts and coupons so that they keep coming back to visit.

This blog is different. Some people blow off steam by bungee jumping or taking kick boxing classes. This is how I do it. I'm emotionally distraught and I feel turned upside down, and I feel... Alone. So I write. And some would say, write it down privately! Why do I have to publish my issues? I like to think at least one person out there reads this and thinks to themselves, "I get it." Truth be told, I in fact AM alone, so at least my sentiments match my circumstances - i.e. I am not a crazy person.

I wish that I could be more open, more brutal with how I actually feel about this subject. This evasive one about love. Now, I could have gone into it from a spiritual angle, which would have been noble, but forced. I know that God loves me, I know Jesus died for me while I was even more vile than I am currently, and that my efforts to please Him don't make Him love me more, and my failures don't make Him love me less.

The fact remains: I am experiencing a deep sense of aloneness.

I have friends, people have been generous and giving and sacrificial to the point of going out of their way to show me that they care about me, that I can ask for help. That I can just be me. Even with them, I find it difficult to be me, mainly since I seem to have forgotten. I've forgotten my likes and dislikes! Even food tastes different. All food. My favorite food. It doesn't give the same sense of satisfaction and community that it used to.

"Solidarity" is what my brother-in-law would call it. Eating to feel a kinship with people. Doing something to build a lasting bond with another person.

It is probably important here to note that I used to consider this a temporary state of mind. That this feeling separated was something that would dissipate with time. Some might say that I didn't give it enough time, that I never stay in one place long enough for it to stick. I'm no genius, but people meet, get engaged and then married often in the course of one year. I think three years has to be quite enough for me to feel integrated into a community.

Then, I let the thought creep in, and who wouldn't, that it was because I am single. Maybe I just need the companion that I was meant to have since the creation of man. Some women, foolish women, argue that it was the man, not the woman, who needed the helper. So single women can feel empowered or whatever devil-invented word they use these days for women to convince themselves they are fine being alone.

Then, instead of companionship or community, and this is the situation I now find myself in, I bury myself in activity, participating in other peoples lives, rather than investing in my own. There is something to be said for family. They are integral, critical even, for my sense of well-being. I will not resent them for beginning families of their own, but I will feel less like I am a part of it all. And I add to the activity: work, hobby, entertainment, friends. All only to distract myself from this sense that I am in this world, but not a part of it.

How biblical of me! I would pat myself on the back if I felt that this did anything other than make me feel spiritually inadequate. I know, you don't have to comfort me with yet another sermon about how we are all inadequate, or the other version that says we are all just adequate enough because God chose us.

The surprising thing, if you haven't picked up on this yet, is that I am not "depressed." I am not in despair. I do not have an overwhelming sadness that chokes me in the nighttime. I know some people do struggle with such things, but I feel no... solidarity with those people. Haha! My brother-in-law teaches me well.

My theory is that my sense of feeling a part of something is directly related to loving other people, yet I also don't feel the urgency of loving others like I used to. Am I hardened? If I were attending the twelve-step program they would tell me that I need to take care of myself first. I wonder if the two things are not mutually exclusive: love to be loved. It's biblical, right? I love God because He loves me. If I wish to be loved, it follows that I should love others. But the risk God took was crazy. Loving first always means heartbreak. What of loving one's self? Is that a conscious effort? If so, that seems highly egotistical. But if it isn't a conscious effort, how will we know how to love our neighbor?

Classic chicken-or-the-egg conversation starter for the next theological discussion you find yourself in.

In conclusion, I have no solution. I have no words of revelation. I am simply putting this out there for my own sake. My prayer is for a revelation to take place, and I cannot promise that I will or will not share the results of such a gift, should God choose to give it. I cannot promise that even if He does and I do share it here, that anyone would understand its significance or its depth. I have at least come to understand one thing, that sometimes asking how another person dealt with a similar problem does not lead to fixing it. Sometimes it only leads to more confusion.

MY Peter and John (or the figuring it out all over again note)

While in Mexico, someone said, "I appreciated that blog because she painted the picture of the petty-but-real struggles of missionaries." Referring to a different missionary-blogger who simply wanted a pair of boots. Thinking about these boots was taking up some of her time and energy and she was worried she was wasting valuable mission time, and even blogged about the boots.

It's not fair. Because of the title "missionary," it makes us automatically 100% selfless all the time? If that was a prerequisite for missionary work I think I lied on my resume.

Getting Personal

I will do the 1, 2, 3 of a personal update for you so that you're no longer in the dark about what I've been up to. Some have come to suspect me of being a spy, a double-agent, of living in China, etc., you know, the typical conclusions people draw because of my lack of communication.

1. Review of the ministries I help out with and their statuses (stati?):

Dormitory of Girls 

Huge huge changes on the horizon. I believe it will be good, awesome, but change is hard. We are shuffling around the girls' dorms which translates to nearly all my girls moving out of my dorm and into the "next one up." I told management that I would like to move up with them, but no one has made me any promises. I understand that where there is need is where I'll be placed. 

My relationship with these beautiful girls has grown over the years and to be quite honest this change is going to be one of the hardest things I'll  have to do so far in this ministry. They are so precious and I've grown quite emotional and attached when I pray about their past, for their present and for their future. You might say that I love them deeply... I include a blanket prayer for all the children of the home, but my girls I regularly mention to our Father by name - even the ones that have already "graduated" out of my dorm.

I want to see them all grow in Christ, love Him deeply, and seek Him earnestly. If there is any reward in this ministry I may not see it until I stand before the One who gave me this job to begin with, and I pray for reward - not for me, but because it will be evidence that their lives were changed forever because of a teensy thing we call obedience.

Multimedia/Office

When the girls are in school I need something to occupy all these cranial powers, so I work in the multimedia department (photography, video, promoting awareness, website maintenance, general communication, etc.). This is right up my alley and has been a challenge from the beginning! I enjoy this type of work and hope to always improve and continue down this road within this ministry and beyond.

Audiovisual/Church

I'm also the head of the audiovisual team at church (projection, video and lighting). There are 12 team members in my charge, and I am training in three of them to be "me" should I happen to leave that particular ministry or should I die and/or go on vacation sometime in the near future - none of which are in my near-future plans. It's productive, fun, and also a challenge to keep things going smoothly: recording, aesthetics, people management, cultivating leadership and responsibility, inspiring a heart of worship through ministry, etc.

2. Plans for the Future:

None! 

I exaggerate a little when I say that. I talked to a friend about sharing these things and usually it's difficult to admit what is in my heart - expose myself publicly like this - but he encouraged me that my heart is mine to share, and if there are repurcussions, I still reserve the right to my own heart. 

My plans are currently summed up in one small phrase: Wait on God to do whatever it is He will do.

My dreams are summed up in several more phrases than that. The Gravity Project is something I haven't really been fervently working on. There is a lot going on in my current ministry, but it is something I remain relatively faithful to, if not always consistent. Simply put, it is a website (currently nothing more than a blog, a seedling, still a version of my heart flying around there on the interwebs) that one day I want to see grow into something solid that will facilitate the brave men and women of mission work, ministry, and prayer houses around the world. 

Ministry is not for weenies, and the last thing I want to promote through the Gravity Project is that "it's fun." It's heartbreaking is what it is! But the reality is that there is nothing else worth doing except "the will of the Father." This is what the Gravity Project is about. 

3. Me on the inside:

Well now this is where it gets a little messy. I am working on a special "internal" project which involves more obedience. There have been very clear moments that God has outlined what I should be doing with my time - the time in which I am waiting on whatever it is He's going to do. I summed it up for Susy one day saying He wants me to "wait, work, and worship." I got the first two down pretty pat I think, but I think I've been missing the train on the third. 

I'm not talking about joining the worship team, there are enough people in that ministry to make up a chorus or two. I'm talking about a heart of worship, a heart that sings because of a God who inspires praise, love, a depth of feeling like nothing else. I think that these big changes about to take place in the ministry are going to help me refocus, reboot, and begin a new kind of disciplined routine that invovles early morning alonetime worship.

I have enough flaws without announcing them, but if you ever need some filler for your prayer list, you can add: "Emily - devotion, heart of worship and intercession, and most of all depth to her relationship with Christ." 

Summary:

This personal update has been extra personal, somewhat revelatory. Ministry, future, and present have been covered. I hope that I've encouraged you to continue digging deeper in your relationship with Christ and to take personal risks when it comes to obeying the Father. Don't chicken out! 

Personal log: Star Date: NeverEnding

This is an encouraging note, I promise. I'm in an endless cycle of realizing that I'm horribly hopeless. Sometimes people have to tell me I'm a mess, or messy, or messed up. Most of the time I can pretty much figure it out on my own.

Now comes the good news. 

I got downright depressed when I heard today that I should be the happiest person ever because I love Jesus, or maybe its because He loves me, or that I have hope in Him. Either way, ever since I was little, my mom always called me her "melancholy baby." Well now, my personality since childhood is a disgrace to my Namesake!

The point I want to make, friends, is that sometimes I deal with the same stuff as when I was 5 or 15 or 25, and I'm willing to bet the person sitting next to you on the bus, at church, or across the cubicle farm are in the same boat as me. Let's be honest, you are too. 

The REAL good news is, God knows. 

Friends, this is the only truth that resonates with me lately.

 He knows. And not only that, I'm convinced that He's behind most of it.  I'm becoming aware of His tactic to get my attention: make everything go wrong, then people will start to point out her shortcomings, then she'll stop long enough to pay attention to what it is I'm trying to make her understand.

The good news sticks with me. He knows. He'll still be there if I lose a job or a friend. And I hear the voice of wisdom whisper, Don't be dumb. Instead of accepting these things as "just who I am"  - I seek Him so He can redesign me, redefine me. And  maybe, as the Psalm goes, He'll also give me favor with men.

For now I'm toast. I just feel done.

Jeez I Got A Lot To Learn...

I decided two things. That the previous post only humbles me further in that I have a lot to learn about prudence and humility. 

My attitude that day was inexcusable.  My authorities are there because God put them there, and indeed whatever impression they have of me is because I talk too much. And whatever erred opinions they harbor with regard to me is because I talk too little. 

God is teaching me about deference toward them, as well as prudence with my words.  My last post did not reflect a humble spirit, it reflected a wounded one, and my first mission (as stated to the right) is to turn the eyes and hearts of people toward God, good, and charity.  Instead I turned them toward myself and wished to provoke pity for myself. 

Humility, as defined in the Word, is to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit" (Phil 2). I chose to leave my last post where it is to remind myself of a few things: 

1. We cannot retract what we say - what is done is done whether we "delete" it or not
2. Life is a learning experience - I can still hit "delete" on yesterdays failures, and move forward in Christ
3. Mostly to remind myself to push forward with my mission - directing people towards God

Instead of making this blog another serenade to myself, I'd like to say that it's wonderful to know a God Who allows new mercies every morning, Who loves us infinitely and in spite of ourselves, and Who is always willing to teach a willing heart.

My apologies.

Humbled Again... Again

I have been humbled by a variety of things this past week. Welcome to my blog. It should be called The Open Book.

1. We went to Cuernavaca again, and I was humbled by my utter lack of knowledge with respect to scripture. I sometimes will (*shudder) compare myself to others and think, "No, I'm okay. I at least know the facts about x,y,z." I found out this weekend that this is no way to measure knowledge.

2. I opened up to some people who I trust, who in turn repaid me with unkindness, or at least did not do me the courtesy of believing me to be sincere. As a result my reputation has been disparaged in the eyes of my leaders. I feel conflicted about explaining things or letting it be.

3. One of my leaders recommended that I ask my leaders, "What areas of my life need improvement?" So, in a natural response, I posed this question to this same leader. He let it slip that my superiors view me as disorganised and therefore sometimes overlook me for certain tasks, even though my creativity is fit for it.

4. Lately I'm wondering why my heart has grown a little (*shudder) complacent with my relationship with God. I find it easy to fall into the fast-food mentality: desiring an experience quick. When it gets to hard - like having to cook or press into prayer - I tend to give up.  I'm stuck with the desire for more, but with not enough resolve to press in with perseverance.

5. I'm no good with sensitive people. My correction sometimes doesn't turn out sounding very loving, and I say things without thinking them through more often than I'd like to admit.

I may be living in what David Sliker called "divine tension" when I say I feel that my faults are both positive and negative. I should be thankful for my lack of ability because this is where God will supply, and I also sense that this lack of ability is an area God expects me to improve on - with His help.

Maybe it sounds like normal stuff, things that I shouldn't sweat about, but if I'm sweating, there must be a reason for said perspiration.

If you have a minute or two to pray for all the above, mention me to our Father and we'll see if there's any improvement in the next few weeks.

House of Prayer, Cuernavaca

Just wanted to drop a few raving lines about the International House of Prayer (IHOP) in Cuernavaca. I believe it is the only one affiliated with the original movement out of Kansas City, but they assure me that there are countless other "Houses" around the country.

I went at the invitation of a lovely person, fun, fresh and fabulous Sarahi. Other people I've come into brief (some not-so-brief) contact with have some connection there, so I felt curious to see this place, and to find out a little more about the House of Prayer in general.

We arrived, and I was enamored right away. I was acting like a crazy person who hasn't seen the outside world after a long time of isolation - asking the taxi driver what that was, if the city was this beautiful everywhere, if there were a certain monument I shouldn't miss the opportunity of seeing.

Soon, we walked through a gate, down a lovely stone staircase, to a covered courtyard surrounded by tropical flora where they were already gathered for worship. I was shown into the room where they cover the country and the world with prayer for 24 hours a day. We were invited to dine with the internship graduates and congregants of the local church. And they arranged a full "set" for us to spend two full hours just hanging out with God.

I have never been among more amiable people - no offense to those who I've been among in the past, you are quite amiable, as far as I can remember. They received us not with just a smile and necessary niceties. They were genuinely happy to see us without even knowing us. Props to Maya, the internship coordinator for her extra niceness.

We arrived during the internship graduation's closing remarks. There were messages shared by people who accomplished impossible things, and whose calling in life is very much a Mary vs. Martha - they work by sitting at the feet of Jesus everyday, interceding for the world. I can't think of a harder job, or a more desirable one.

We did what I like to call a "Perkins," because, when I was young, we would all do the same thing every Wednesday night after youth group - go to a restaurant called Perkins and hang out.  They recieved us, sat us down, we talked like old friends. The time they spend with Jesus every day simply oozes out their pores.

That's the explanation I'm going with: oozing Jesus-pores.

One day was not quite enough for me....