what's that you say? Pride? No, not me.

Pride. Lately this has been a tricky subject for me. You know the saying, "Pride always comes just before a fall" ? Well, I think that my greatest fear should be falling. I'm going to be honest with you, humility is not something that I wear well. I don't know how! I wish that I could somehow simply "get it," and go on, in perfect humility. And then I think of how great I would be if I were humble and perfect... I think there is a vicious cycle here and that I should learn to jump off that proverbial merry-go-round. In my recent self-searches I've begun to see who it is I really am inside, not only as a person, but as a Christian. Whoa, it's not pretty. I think the most important thing is to conquer pride and be able to really say that I value my brothers and sisters more than I do my own life, and that I should now more than ever esteem them as above me in every respect. This, my brothers and sisters, is easier said than done. I feel like a jerk for having said even a few words - even if they were out of concern - with respect to the situations of a couple of friends of mine. I know how I would feel if my friends were concerned about me in the same way -- "Emily is beginning to drink too much," or "Emily is a really depressing person to be around." I would not feel like that friend cared about me, in fact I would feel that this friend in particular thought that she was better than me and esteemed her character as better or above my own. It's easy to talk. It's not so easy to face myself in the mirror and say, "I love my brothers and sisters, and I would do anything to humble myself for their benefit."

This is a struggle for me. I'm actually praying for a way that God could provide a humbling situation, a moment where I realize that nothing is about me, and nothing can be done without the help of others or my God. I'm praying for not only humility, but a monumental space in time where I am shown how to wear this new hat.

impatience

The sister's wedding is coming up soon, and the responsabilities of the sister not getting married are being called upon - during finals week. Although I have to say that since my last test in my Portuguese class (for which I have an oral exam amanã), I haven't really felt the same urgency as usual to get an 'A.' I think it might have something to do with this newfound passion for missions in Mexico. Have I mentioned this yet? ... well, if you know me I've told you, if not, surprise! My growing impatience for all things academic is really starting to get on my nerves - really it's getting in the way of my academic success, but hey, you win some you lose some.

The big ugly head has finally reared. I need a job. I can't pay for tuition this semester and doubt the prospects much more for paying for the next... that is, if I don't get in gear and start job hunting. Too bad I have a one-year gap on my record, but hey! Who are they to judge? Oh yeah, employee recruiters. Crap.

A little P.S. note from the almost-married sis:
"Emily...just wait...your day is coming and you will see how wonderful it is to have a sister that is willing and happy to assist you in any and every way in your most happy and at the same time, most stressful, hairpulling, wanna acream and cry at the same time, and driving everyone else crazy even though you always said you would never be one of those brides...moments"

spanglish/espangles

Fui a una iglesia en que predican en español hoy. Fue muy interesante ver las diferentes personas. De todo tipo! Creo que es lo que Dios quiere para todas las iglesias: diversidad de personas de diferentes culturas, colores y pasados. Me gustó mucho... Claro que hablaba sobre el dar gracias a Dios por el dia feriado que se acerca. Estuve pensando de eso, no le digo con muchisima frequencia que aprecio a mi vida, mi aliento, mi seguridad, mi familia... todo lo simple que nunca pienso.

GRACIAS SENOR!!

Me quede con mucho pensamiento ultimamente... Ojala pudiera perdonarme por lo que dije en uno de mis ultimos (hard times... ), pero la verdad es que la Palabra no me lo permite: 2 Timoteo 1:8 8 "Por tanto, no te averguences de dar testimonio de nuestro Señor..." Lo unico de que me arrepiento es que alguna gente no me entendi bien, o sea lo escribi mal, y habian personas que lo tomaron por un insulto personal. Quiero que esa gente sepa que eso no fue lo que queria con esas palabras que puse ahi (y si lo ves, lo cambie con respeto a los nombres y algunos terminos)... Lo que quiero es que yo sea un ejemplo que no da verguenza a mi Jesus, ni con mis acciones ni mis palabras. Hay que saber que dice Romanos 3:23 "por cuanto todos pecaron y están destituidos de la gloria de Dios." Incluso a mi...

Tentador

Mateo 4:3 Se le acercó el tentador y le dijo:
--Si eres Hijo de Dios, di que estas piedras se conviertan en pan.
4 Él respondió y dijo:
--Escrito está: "No solo de pan vivirá el hombre, sino de toda palabra que sale de la boca de Dios".

Es un cuento conocido por todos, pero siempre me intriga la pasión de Jesus cuando satanás enfrenta a El allí en el desierto. Incluso depués de cuarenta días de un ayuno vigilente dice a satanás que la Palabra es más importante que la comida... que la vida humana que tenemos que seguir viviendo. Siempre me intriga también cuando leo la Palabra el mismo versículo puede tener un efecto diferente cada vez que lo leo. Es un señal indudable que la Palabra está viva. Es muy como la poesía, que cuando lo lees una vez no te puede afectar, pero un mes o un año después y lees el mismo poema, tiene un significado tan profundo que te preguntas por qué no lo viste antes?

Por qué no lo vi antes?

Mi flamenco

Just so my adoring public knows, these are not my works of art, rather these are my work in progress, so ease up on the criticisms. ;0)

Mis monos

Todo

encuentrame aqui
hablame a mi
quiero sentirte
necesito oirte
eres la luz
que me guia
al lugar donde hallo la paz de nuevo

eres la fuerza por la que sigo andando
eres la esperanza por la que sigo confiando
eres la luz para
mi alma
eres mi todo

Como puedo estar aqui contigo y no estarme movida por ti?
Me podrias decir como pudiera ser mejor que esto?

Tu calmas las tormentas y me das descanso
me tienes en las manos y no vas a dejar que caigo
Me robas el corazon y me quitas el aliento
Me aceptarias? Me llevarias a lo mas profundo?

Como puedo estar aqui contigo y no estarme movida por ti?
Me podrias decir como pudiera ser mejor que esto?

Porque eres todo lo que quiero, todo lo que necesito
Tu eres todo, todo
Eres todo lo que quiero, todo lo que necesito
Tu eres todo... todo

Me podrias decir como pudiera ser mejor que esto?

trying my hand...

This is the first poem I've ever written - ever. Se hizo una oración cuando la empezé no tenía eso en mi mente pero a veces la poesía escribe sí misma.

Como el río al gijarro

Quiero que me conozcas
quiero que me comprendas
como el río al guijarro
quiero que entiendas
todo lo que quiero

Quiero aprender de ti
quiero vivir por ti
como la llama por el aire
quiero ver te a ti
sé que lo haré

Quiero que me ames
quiero que me guardes
en el pozo de tu corazón
quiero que abres
el mío como un cajón

Quiero recordar tus palabras
quiero saber lo que quieras
para mi
quiero ver que darás
por parte de ti

lessons of life

I Corintios 7:32-35
Quisiera, pues, que estuvierais sin congoja. El soltero se preocupa por las cosas del Señor, de cómo agradar al Señor; pero el casado se preocupa por las cosas del mundo, de cómo agradar a su mujer.
Hay asimismo diferencia entre la casada y la doncella. La doncella se preocupa por las cosas del Señor, para ser santa tanto en cuerpo como en espíritu;^[v] pero la casada se preocupa por las cosas del mundo, de cómo agradar a su marido.
Esto lo digo para vuestro provecho; no para tenderos lazo, sino para lo honesto y decente, y para que sin impedimento os acerquéis al Señor.

Quiero enfocarme más y "preocuparme de las cosas de Dios." ... y si es la voluntad de El que me case, quiero ser la hija que da todo el honor a Dios por estar siempre en Cristo cuando tomo cualquier decisión. Es escrito en la tabla de mi corazon esto:

cantares 3:5 Yo os conjuro, oh doncellas de Jerusalén,
Por los corzos y por las ciervas del campo,
Que no despertéis ni hagáis velar al amor,
Hasta que quiera.

Hay un monton de traducciones de este versiculo pero pienso que dice que no deberíamos despertar al amor hasta que estemos listos, o sea, hasta que estemos contentos en el amor de nuestro Padre (contentos siendo solteros) y crecidos en El, maduros en el Espiritu.

Hard times...

The more I think about how difficult my life is, the more I have to try to laugh about it. Not that it's funny in any way, but it's that the things I consider a "problem" or a "tough time" are really only fractions of a fraction of what the rest of the world has to endure. I feel like I'm talking in code, I'm sorry. My point is, my problems seem like a splinter in my toe compared to the logs some people have rammed through their hearts.

I would love for certain people in this world to know that I pray for them everyday, and not just one of those cheesy "bless 'em, keep 'em" prayers, but real, full-on, 100% desire for joy in their lives, peace in their hearts, and a life living for Jesus. Since my recent experiences, I know now that the only way to true unadulterated joy and happiness (that small little thing we search for all our lives, kill for and die for on a regular basis, etc) lies with Jesus. And not just for me. Many people, the ones whose problems loom like big giant shadows over my own, often say "everyone prays to the same God, and in the end that's cool for them and it all probably leads to the same place anyway." If I could, I would have people try on Jesus like a sweater and the world would be so different. One moment of a deep meaningful relationship with the God that I know (sans-the-religion) , and we would have a revival on our hands.

I want to emphasize that I have a long way to go as a person. I don't consider myself better, or perfect or even worthy over anyone else. In fact, knowing myself as well as I do, I feel ashamed to start talking about God and how He's a part of my life that is growing into becoming my life. Not only am I not perfect, I'm probably a horrendous representation of what I would consider a good example of a Christian.... such a horrendous misfortune that the word comes with so much history, baggage, negative connotations, and me.

The funny thing is, even God's chosen people sucked... as people. They were prostitutes, murderers, cheaters, liars, incestuous, horrendous people. I think for a good reason though. Life is not about "being a good person" like I've heard a thousand times before. Being good is good, but it has nothing to do with how to live a life.

I feel I'm offending people with this blog.

It has nothing to do with how to live life!!!

You can be horrendous, awful, horrible, evil, mean, grotesquely sinful, and still have a place in heaven because of a not-so-simple sacrifice that the world insists on taking lightly and brushing off and ignoring or insisting on pluralism. Of course once the moment of revelation smacks you between the eyes its an automatic 180 and the horrendous, awful, horrible, evil, mean, grotesquely sinful (or just the regular white-lying, cheating here-and there, not-so-bad) person doesn't want to be the person they were before.

Picture this: You choose to die for someone you love to save their life and then that person turns away from your bloody, beaten, broken and dying body and says, "I never saw you. I don't know you."

Aw geez, not again...

I thought now that it has had time to sink in and seep out again I'd talk a little more about my beloved country, México. I went, it conquered me, and I left with everything. I haven't had a chance to really write my feelings on the subject. I suppose feelings are a real bore to most readers, but hey, I'TS MY BLOG!

First, I want to talk about honesty. In Mexico I was really working hard to deceive myself into thinking the things I have wanted the most were what I really wanted. The biggest example would be Argentina. I'm pretty sure Argentina was an experience that changed my life. It's enchanting, I love the city, I love the country! I love the ocean... I didn't feel like it was mine. I didn't feel that my spirit could connect onto anything... like a slippery ship deck when it's sinking... you want to grab onto something, anything, you would be happy with a thread of resistance before you feel you're going to fall in the water and struggle, kick, flail, until the end. That's a pretty bleak picture of what a beautiful, enchanting place could be for a person, but if I were honest with myself, I would have known that the ship isn't in my future.

Interesting... I thought I was going to talk about México...

Let's talk about humility. I realized on this trip to my homeland that I can be, sometimes, possibly, a bit ... self-righteous and proud. This trip helped me to realize that problem, if not cured me of it. There were two, if I may say, three very beautiful young girls on this trip... to begin, and to be honest, I may have had a little crumb of jealousy towards them. I had brought my dingiest T-shirts and warmest sweaters and they brought half of Vogue magazine and Revlon's complete collection. Needless to say, they were cute and I was not, but in the same moment I would think, "wow they are so vain," I would also be thinking, "I should have brought mine." I struggled with my conscience about it, and struggled with a few mean-spirited comments like, "you're so vain." Eventually, I stopped, I should have apologized, but sometimes the truth rings true even if it is spoken meanly... again, I'm still struggling with this a bit.