I am in the middle of a book called "Love.." by Elizabeth Elliot. Amazing woman of God, full of faith and trust in Him! While reading this book her attitude about trusting God has kind of rubbed off on me. Let's just say that I have not been the most patient of women these past few weeks... In fact, I've been driving myself nuts with anxiety over the most important things to me in life right now: the future in general, Mexico and the timing of it all, this stupid American Airlines voucher... well, it's not really important what the problems are, just that they exist and my patience is running thin --- so thin it's a lot like wet rice paper.
Even so, after reading about the patience of Mrs. Elliot when her future was in the balance, I feel ashamed of myself for not trusting God more to take care of things. I know that when I am in God's will, He will order my steps and I don't have to be anxious... Except for one problem: there are some things I simply WANT!!! I want to go to Mexico, I want to go to the mission school, I want to live there and make my home there. I want to go this February, and I want the voucher to come in time for me to go in February! I suppose there are a lot of things that a lot of people want, but God sees a better path and re-directs those people.... I pray I'm not one of those people!
In this book I came across an interesting phrase which I've come to terms with, and I believe I've come to embrace the concept and even begun to experience a really amazing peace. The phrase was "Hopes and dreams are simply material for sacrifice." Meaning, of course, that whatever I hope and dream for, I should be willing to sacrifice for the bigger better plan of my God since I'm dumb and would just screw up life if I tried to take it into my own hands. It's so much easier, more joyful, more peaceful, more relaxing (!) to just trust God and not worry about what's coming. Concentrating on now is hard enough!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Down to You (part 2)
I just finished the book called "The Brokenness of the exterior and the liberation of the spirit" by Watchman Nee. It's been a while since I first started reading it, but in my defense I was fighting against wedding preparations, finals and hostess duties for the family of my sister's fiancee. The point is, I finished it and I may turn around and read it all over again it was so good.
In a previous blog I talked a little bit about David and how he was considered to be a man after God's own heart and that in order to become anywhere near presentable to Christ we should follow his example, looking only to God and our desire should focus wholly and entirely on Him. Have you ever been in love? This is how I imagine the relationship between God and David. David was so moved by God's beauty and grace and power that he stopped everything to praise him, and once even danced shamelessly before Him in the view of the whole city. This love that David had for God was so unbreakable, humble, and sincere that it brought all that excitement in his heart that he couldn't help but dance and leap before Him.
The connection I drew between what I read in this book and the story of David is that nothing can be accomplished by our own strength that will count in the Kingdom. Everything that we do for ourselves, even for others and even for God by the prompting of our own minds, will, soul, strength is done in vain. Everything has to be done in one Spirit with God and His Church and will total abandonment of what we think is what God wants or what is "right," or even what we know to be truth. If my spirit is not right before God, and if my flesh is not completely denied before Him, my effectiveness in the Kingdom will come to a halt and what I do will only bring more harm.
Bless Him too, Paul even mentions David's heart in Romans 4:
"...to him who does not work but believes on Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is accounted for righteousness, just as David also describes the blessedness of the man to whom God imputes righteousness apart from works: Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; Blessed is the man to whom the Lord shall not impute sin."
This is huge!!! Our sins are covered! Even if we screw it up now, we are under the blood of Christ and have already been forgiven. The constant comunion of our spirit with the Holy Spirit is what counts in the Kingdom, not whether or not we're acting right... Although if we are sensitive to this spirit, we will know what the desire of God's heart is: when to act and when to stay still, when to be meek and when to yell, when to pray and when to listen... It's all in one place: in the spirit. So how do we get to that place? Allow God to break our will. Allow Him to show us the truth about who we are. Allow him to take over - the fun part is, He won't screw it up and with Him in control, and our trust safely placed in Him our joy will be uncontrollable, just like David's was.
In a previous blog I talked a little bit about David and how he was considered to be a man after God's own heart and that in order to become anywhere near presentable to Christ we should follow his example, looking only to God and our desire should focus wholly and entirely on Him. Have you ever been in love? This is how I imagine the relationship between God and David. David was so moved by God's beauty and grace and power that he stopped everything to praise him, and once even danced shamelessly before Him in the view of the whole city. This love that David had for God was so unbreakable, humble, and sincere that it brought all that excitement in his heart that he couldn't help but dance and leap before Him.
The connection I drew between what I read in this book and the story of David is that nothing can be accomplished by our own strength that will count in the Kingdom. Everything that we do for ourselves, even for others and even for God by the prompting of our own minds, will, soul, strength is done in vain. Everything has to be done in one Spirit with God and His Church and will total abandonment of what we think is what God wants or what is "right," or even what we know to be truth. If my spirit is not right before God, and if my flesh is not completely denied before Him, my effectiveness in the Kingdom will come to a halt and what I do will only bring more harm.
Bless Him too, Paul even mentions David's heart in Romans 4:
"...to him who does not work but believes on Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is accounted for righteousness, just as David also describes the blessedness of the man to whom God imputes righteousness apart from works: Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; Blessed is the man to whom the Lord shall not impute sin."
This is huge!!! Our sins are covered! Even if we screw it up now, we are under the blood of Christ and have already been forgiven. The constant comunion of our spirit with the Holy Spirit is what counts in the Kingdom, not whether or not we're acting right... Although if we are sensitive to this spirit, we will know what the desire of God's heart is: when to act and when to stay still, when to be meek and when to yell, when to pray and when to listen... It's all in one place: in the spirit. So how do we get to that place? Allow God to break our will. Allow Him to show us the truth about who we are. Allow him to take over - the fun part is, He won't screw it up and with Him in control, and our trust safely placed in Him our joy will be uncontrollable, just like David's was.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The wedding
There are only a few things to mention about this blessed day of my sister's. First, that I've never heard so many people say that they have never seen a more beautiful wedding in all their lives and second, the pastor was incredible! I had heard a lot about him, and I could see where both the negative and positive comments could result. He is blunt, straight-forward and doesn't care what people think of him. When I met him I felt the sweetness and earnestness of his spirit. He wants his children and their friends to make the best decisions and he is so clearly in touch with the Holy Spirit that when a young person is in danger of a bad decision, he doesn't withhold his input. He's also a linguist which impresses me to my toes!
I had to read the beautiful love chapter during the ceremony --1 Corinthians 13. It was a funny thing because I had read that verse a thousand times at least, I practiced it in the sanctuary the night before... but for some reason when I read it up there with those two crazy kids ready to tie the knot, I saw their love. I saw that God surrounded them whether they wanted Him to or not, and I saw God's beautiful desire for my sister and Igor to be unendingly joyous in their now-forever relationship. The verse struck me and I became emotional, but I don't think anyone noticed. I just pray that their love strengthens itself with the glue of Jesus for eternity.
I had to read the beautiful love chapter during the ceremony --1 Corinthians 13. It was a funny thing because I had read that verse a thousand times at least, I practiced it in the sanctuary the night before... but for some reason when I read it up there with those two crazy kids ready to tie the knot, I saw their love. I saw that God surrounded them whether they wanted Him to or not, and I saw God's beautiful desire for my sister and Igor to be unendingly joyous in their now-forever relationship. The verse struck me and I became emotional, but I don't think anyone noticed. I just pray that their love strengthens itself with the glue of Jesus for eternity.
Monday, December 10, 2007
down to you
It's a curious thing that a person can be so weighed down by the world around and still have time to think and meditate on the things that are weighing on their heart. That's me. I'm the maid-of-honor in my sister's wedding this weekend, also the designated dance teacher (they need more than just a lesson or two), I have final papers and tests due this week and next week, and to top it all off, I'm broke and thinking to go to Mexico for 5 months this spring! Yaaaay for stress!
In spite of it all, there has been a development in my seeking God for His will for my life. I've decided that this is the only way that I am able to live in complete and unadulterated joy, happiness and peace. That as a starting point I think God began to show me the things that are inside of me that have been less than appetizing characteristics: pride, selfishness, impatience, among other things....
In the beginnings of this quest I began immediately to think about the others that don't know about this unadulterated peace that God has been gracious enough to allow to settle in my heart. I wanted to tell EVERYONE about it and most of the time I didn't feel ready or worthy to do so. I still talked about it, but I think with such an ineffective spirit that I may as well have been mentioning that there was a buried treasure in their backyard and I got the expected reaction: "that's one opinion, I'm busy now, go away." So I went. Confused and feeling less adequate than ever.
So then I thought to myself, wait - if I don't feel adequate to carry out this message then there must be something wrong with me. Then a new mission arose: to better myself. In the process I learned many valueable lessons, but the more I thought in my brain about how I could become more worthy, the more unworthy I felt. The cycle continued like this for a couple of weeks.
On my way to class one day, walking in the freezing cold listening to my Hillsong (spanish version) I thought to myself, it's just me and God, and then it hit me as if between the eyes, it's not about me at all! The dorkus forkus that I am turned the whole event into a me-fest; the one thing that I think would hinder God the most! I was supposed to be working out my pride and selfishness and self-centeredness and while I was thinking about and dwelling on these things I was doing the very thing I was trying not to do... focus on me.
So a new mission has thus arisen. Focus wholly, completely, whole-heartedly, unashamedly, and unrelentingly on GOD. The Bible says that David was a man after God's own heart, and the religiously-minded would say, "but he was an adulterer, a murderer, a traitor!" David had repented of these things, and God would say thereafter that these are things he did, they don't define who he was. I am imperfect, I expect to strive for the rest of my life to become more like Christ while all the while remain imperfect, remain human, remain living in a sinful body, remain unworthy... the one thing that I will be sure of, is that if my spirit is in constant comunion with Him, with my Christ, the sinful nature will become ashes. The light and glory of who God is will reveal itself to me and I will realize the insignificance and the filth of my heart and simply want to "get dressed" like Adam and Eve, but there will be no where to hide and in that moment the only thing left to do will be to let go and let God, and when I do He will wash the dirt from my feet, from my past self, and I will be pure in my heart and spirit.
I say all this in the future tense for one reason: I have aknowledged the insignificance of my body, mind and even my will. I am aware of God's greatness and know that I am nothing, but I await a moment in which the Holy Spirit will show me what He sees. I understand I am imperfect, but I want to see this imperfection with the eyes of my Savior so that I can acknowledge it with my spirit and consequently let go and let God and claim the promise of purity and surrender everything to Him.
Everything?
Everything. It's the least I can do. He gave me everything first.
In spite of it all, there has been a development in my seeking God for His will for my life. I've decided that this is the only way that I am able to live in complete and unadulterated joy, happiness and peace. That as a starting point I think God began to show me the things that are inside of me that have been less than appetizing characteristics: pride, selfishness, impatience, among other things....
In the beginnings of this quest I began immediately to think about the others that don't know about this unadulterated peace that God has been gracious enough to allow to settle in my heart. I wanted to tell EVERYONE about it and most of the time I didn't feel ready or worthy to do so. I still talked about it, but I think with such an ineffective spirit that I may as well have been mentioning that there was a buried treasure in their backyard and I got the expected reaction: "that's one opinion, I'm busy now, go away." So I went. Confused and feeling less adequate than ever.
So then I thought to myself, wait - if I don't feel adequate to carry out this message then there must be something wrong with me. Then a new mission arose: to better myself. In the process I learned many valueable lessons, but the more I thought in my brain about how I could become more worthy, the more unworthy I felt. The cycle continued like this for a couple of weeks.
On my way to class one day, walking in the freezing cold listening to my Hillsong (spanish version) I thought to myself, it's just me and God, and then it hit me as if between the eyes, it's not about me at all! The dorkus forkus that I am turned the whole event into a me-fest; the one thing that I think would hinder God the most! I was supposed to be working out my pride and selfishness and self-centeredness and while I was thinking about and dwelling on these things I was doing the very thing I was trying not to do... focus on me.
So a new mission has thus arisen. Focus wholly, completely, whole-heartedly, unashamedly, and unrelentingly on GOD. The Bible says that David was a man after God's own heart, and the religiously-minded would say, "but he was an adulterer, a murderer, a traitor!" David had repented of these things, and God would say thereafter that these are things he did, they don't define who he was. I am imperfect, I expect to strive for the rest of my life to become more like Christ while all the while remain imperfect, remain human, remain living in a sinful body, remain unworthy... the one thing that I will be sure of, is that if my spirit is in constant comunion with Him, with my Christ, the sinful nature will become ashes. The light and glory of who God is will reveal itself to me and I will realize the insignificance and the filth of my heart and simply want to "get dressed" like Adam and Eve, but there will be no where to hide and in that moment the only thing left to do will be to let go and let God, and when I do He will wash the dirt from my feet, from my past self, and I will be pure in my heart and spirit.
I say all this in the future tense for one reason: I have aknowledged the insignificance of my body, mind and even my will. I am aware of God's greatness and know that I am nothing, but I await a moment in which the Holy Spirit will show me what He sees. I understand I am imperfect, but I want to see this imperfection with the eyes of my Savior so that I can acknowledge it with my spirit and consequently let go and let God and claim the promise of purity and surrender everything to Him.
Everything?
Everything. It's the least I can do. He gave me everything first.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
you ever get that feeling?
Have you ever had the feeling that when the preacher speaks to a whole congregation he really had prepared that sermon just for you? Have you had the feeling that someone is trying to tell you something when you hear the same information 3 or more times in a week from 3 different people? Have you ever had the feeling that God was chasing after you? Not in the scary, oh no, He'll catch me, way, rather like the guy who saw you drop your wallet and is chasing after you because He doesn't want to let you walk on in life and not be fully equipped to take it on.
This is the feeling that I have had lately. That God has had his eye on me and has sent out His sentries to sabotoge my path so that I trip over little clues telling me that I should be looking around me to see where the Guide is leading. These past few weeks this clue has been Romans 8. I've been tripping over that verse ever since I came upon it one night before bed, and after that in communications with friends, then randomly remembering a verse I didn't know was from that chapter, and in church the other day on top of it all. Finally, I decided to crack it open again to see what the fuss was about. I didn't have to read far, but after a while the promises got so big and began filling my heart to the point where I had to see how the story ended:
Romans 8:3...And so he condemned sin in sinful man,
Notice he didn't say sinful men? I think this is the greatest misconception of God's judgement. I've heard friends ask why would a loving God send people to hell? If a man chooses to serve the sin within him that God condemned, he condemns himself. He goes on -
4 in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
5Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
6The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;
7the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.
8Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
Verse 8 caught be by the girdle. What? Cannot please God? Isn't the whole point of living here to glorify Him and please Him? So in order to do that we can't be controlled by sin. I have often heard the famous questions about what constitutes a sin and who decides what is sinful and what is wrong. Even if you have never cracked open the Word of God you can't avoid knowing what is wrong -- some people call it a conscience, I call it the nudge of the Holy Spirit saying, "BAD IDEA!" When we ignore that nudge, when we ignore our conscience we can be certain that we are controlled by our sinful nature. So who falls into that category? ME! Everyone... So if it can't please God and we are all this way, what the heck to we do!?
9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.
Oooohhh.... If the what lives in where? So, how does the Spirit of God end up living in me? What do I have to do to convince Him to take up residence there?
ASK.
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
Um, so if God starts doing stuff for me because He loves me, He must also be pleased with me then. But what's this about a purpose, and the foreknowing, and the predestinations, and being the firstborn, etc. I'm confused. So, first I gotta love God and if I love Him, apparently I have been "called" - a "call" is defined as a special disposition to pursue a particular course - according to His purpose. Oh. This purpose must be the 'particular course.'
But we still haven't sorted through the foreknowing and firstborn and predestined stuff... Who did God foreknow (who did He know before they even existed)? Well, for argument's sake, He's God, He created us in His own image, He is infinite which means time does not hinder Him, which probably means he knows our past as well as our future. Sooo, then according to this He must then "foreknow" everyone! I think I can live with that.
Then he predestined (pre-arranged) that we conform to the likeness of Jesus. Wait, wait. What was Jesus like anyway? If God decided before we were even born that we should be like Him, I should know what He was like right? Well, we know He loved everyone, even the folks who were deemed "untouchable" by everyone else. We know He had the power to control the storms, we know he had the ability to see through a person to their spirit and without blinking an eye He knew the needs of a broken heart. We also know he gave up His life so that there would be no more of this unavoidable condemnation because of sin. Skipping back to earlier verses in this chapter, this has already been established:
1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
3For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering...
Ooohhh.... so to be in His likeness, I have to love God and people enough to give up my life for them, no matter who they be. I don't know if I can do that, I mean I have so many other things to worry about in life. I don't think it's that important to live for God or give my life for the poor and the heartbroken... what? But why should I get to decide what's important and what isn't? I'm certainly not God and usually I end up deciding things the wrong way anyway!
This is the feeling that I have had lately. That God has had his eye on me and has sent out His sentries to sabotoge my path so that I trip over little clues telling me that I should be looking around me to see where the Guide is leading. These past few weeks this clue has been Romans 8. I've been tripping over that verse ever since I came upon it one night before bed, and after that in communications with friends, then randomly remembering a verse I didn't know was from that chapter, and in church the other day on top of it all. Finally, I decided to crack it open again to see what the fuss was about. I didn't have to read far, but after a while the promises got so big and began filling my heart to the point where I had to see how the story ended:
Romans 8:3...And so he condemned sin in sinful man,
Notice he didn't say sinful men? I think this is the greatest misconception of God's judgement. I've heard friends ask why would a loving God send people to hell? If a man chooses to serve the sin within him that God condemned, he condemns himself. He goes on -
4 in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
5Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
6The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;
7the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.
8Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
Verse 8 caught be by the girdle. What? Cannot please God? Isn't the whole point of living here to glorify Him and please Him? So in order to do that we can't be controlled by sin. I have often heard the famous questions about what constitutes a sin and who decides what is sinful and what is wrong. Even if you have never cracked open the Word of God you can't avoid knowing what is wrong -- some people call it a conscience, I call it the nudge of the Holy Spirit saying, "BAD IDEA!" When we ignore that nudge, when we ignore our conscience we can be certain that we are controlled by our sinful nature. So who falls into that category? ME! Everyone... So if it can't please God and we are all this way, what the heck to we do!?
9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.
Oooohhh.... If the what lives in where? So, how does the Spirit of God end up living in me? What do I have to do to convince Him to take up residence there?
ASK.
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
Um, so if God starts doing stuff for me because He loves me, He must also be pleased with me then. But what's this about a purpose, and the foreknowing, and the predestinations, and being the firstborn, etc. I'm confused. So, first I gotta love God and if I love Him, apparently I have been "called" - a "call" is defined as a special disposition to pursue a particular course - according to His purpose. Oh. This purpose must be the 'particular course.'
But we still haven't sorted through the foreknowing and firstborn and predestined stuff... Who did God foreknow (who did He know before they even existed)? Well, for argument's sake, He's God, He created us in His own image, He is infinite which means time does not hinder Him, which probably means he knows our past as well as our future. Sooo, then according to this He must then "foreknow" everyone! I think I can live with that.
Then he predestined (pre-arranged) that we conform to the likeness of Jesus. Wait, wait. What was Jesus like anyway? If God decided before we were even born that we should be like Him, I should know what He was like right? Well, we know He loved everyone, even the folks who were deemed "untouchable" by everyone else. We know He had the power to control the storms, we know he had the ability to see through a person to their spirit and without blinking an eye He knew the needs of a broken heart. We also know he gave up His life so that there would be no more of this unavoidable condemnation because of sin. Skipping back to earlier verses in this chapter, this has already been established:
1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
3For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering...
Ooohhh.... so to be in His likeness, I have to love God and people enough to give up my life for them, no matter who they be. I don't know if I can do that, I mean I have so many other things to worry about in life. I don't think it's that important to live for God or give my life for the poor and the heartbroken... what? But why should I get to decide what's important and what isn't? I'm certainly not God and usually I end up deciding things the wrong way anyway!
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.
All things? All things... so why do I resist?
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So why do I resist?
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
life and death.... and life
The father of an old special friend passed away the other day. I had the privilege of knowing the man, a wonderful, happy, loving, great wit, and a big joker. He also loved Jesus and lived accordingly. The family had a great idea, that they would set up small notebooks in the vestibule of the church and ask that everyone whose life had been influenced by the life of this wonderful man would simply write in what way that influence had impacted their lives. It was amazing how many people said the same things - he was full of joy, ready to love just everyone, and as patient as they come. The family will suffer this loss more than anyone, for not only was he the shining example of what a follower of Christ should be for them, and not only did he love them all beyond measure or do anything in his power to help them.... he was also their cook. There are cook-offs now to see who can make the spaghetti even just remotely like the spaghetti that Dad used to make... they still joke around with him, even though he isn't there. This is the legacy he left behind: a pile of people who loved him and who will love Jesus the way he taught them to. What better legacy to leave a family?
Sunday, December 2, 2007
para que sepan....
Just so you know I've created an entirely new blog that is my spanish version of this same blog. It might differ sometimes, but mostly I'd like to keep this new creation a true translation of what is going on in this one....
Para que sepan, he creado un blog nuevo que es la version español de este mismo. Quiza se diferencian a veces pero por lo general me gustaria que esta version nueva sea una traduccion verdadera de este.
http://lalunadesaparecida.blogspot.com/
Para que sepan, he creado un blog nuevo que es la version español de este mismo. Quiza se diferencian a veces pero por lo general me gustaria que esta version nueva sea una traduccion verdadera de este.
http://lalunadesaparecida.blogspot.com/
separated from me
I'm in the middle of a book called "Brokenness" or some such translation (it's in Spanish). Sometimes I don't like that God made being a Christian so basic. There really isn't anything to it! First, it's the best therapy compared to many thousands of therapists and shrinks and counselors combined. Second, the gifts he gives are worth more than many thousands of gifts ever given on earth: peace in time of tragedy, unconditional fatherly love, eternal joy... the list doesn't end there, but He says these are the best He has to offer (the greatest of these being love, of course).
Getting back to my book. This book isn't trying to make things difficult for me, it's an attempt to clarify something that we've had confused for a long time. The difference between our spirit and our worldly self. I've always been able to accept the fact that my spirit is something seperate from the world - no questions there - but the fact that my spirit is something also seperate from me is something else. What?! How can something that is inside of me be seperate from me? What I mean to say, is there are two "MEs" One is spiritual, the other is the one that thinks, breathes, sees and feels everything that happens in this world. It's obvious at this point that this spirit self has been asleep for a while - the proverbial 'couch potato.' It's comparative to those who can't wiggle their ears or curl their tongue. It's not that they are unable to do it, it's simply that they don't even know how to use those muscles that make it possible to excersise them. So, the trick is to figure out which muscle works the spirit, wake it up and do some crunches and squats - eventually I'll make it to the jumping jacks and then hopefully, one day, a marathon!
For now, I'm still discovering how to use the muscle.
Getting back to my book. This book isn't trying to make things difficult for me, it's an attempt to clarify something that we've had confused for a long time. The difference between our spirit and our worldly self. I've always been able to accept the fact that my spirit is something seperate from the world - no questions there - but the fact that my spirit is something also seperate from me is something else. What?! How can something that is inside of me be seperate from me? What I mean to say, is there are two "MEs" One is spiritual, the other is the one that thinks, breathes, sees and feels everything that happens in this world. It's obvious at this point that this spirit self has been asleep for a while - the proverbial 'couch potato.' It's comparative to those who can't wiggle their ears or curl their tongue. It's not that they are unable to do it, it's simply that they don't even know how to use those muscles that make it possible to excersise them. So, the trick is to figure out which muscle works the spirit, wake it up and do some crunches and squats - eventually I'll make it to the jumping jacks and then hopefully, one day, a marathon!
For now, I'm still discovering how to use the muscle.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
omitting the juicy parts, eh?
I guess it's been a while since I was in Puebla, but I feel like the blog that I wrote for Esperanza Viva was not a whole-hearted go. I thought I'd sit back, reminisce and tell a tale or two.... or three... or four...
The first thing I remember we stepped out onto the tarmack and over the threshold of customs and we were greeted by a small contingent of orphanage personnel. One in particular was a pretty girl, youngish and looked serious but ready to take a joke. I was surprised to hear her speak English comfortably since she had the trademark face of a Mexican. I soon found that she was born in the states and her grandparents (generation numero uno) wouldn't speak spanish to their children and the children - the lovely girl's parents - therefore spoke only English, therefore she only spoke... English. She is still the current coordinator of short-term mission-visitors or some such thing. The second thing I remember was a young man. He was quiet, reserved, serious, and had a haircut from 1997. The thing that I noticed was that he didn't take notice of any of us. At first I thought he was shy, but as the week went on I realized that is pretty much who he is. Chuey, they called him. I also noticed his heart was 100% totally completely committed to Esperanza Viva... amazing heart.
The first morning we were there I was surprised to find a nearly-empty orphanage, but apparently - as I had forgotten at the time - they also attend classes in the mornings. I did see a couple of under-agers and in my boldness (thinking I knew spanish) I sauntered right up to a cluster of little boys huddled on the edge of a picnic-style bench under the mess tent. They looked at me like I was an alien at first, but I straightened them out with a few tactful questions and a comment or two. In a matter of two and one half minutes I had two little boys about four years old take me by the hand, sat me down under the awning of one of the main buildings and sidled right up to me with puppy dog expressions and one didn't hesitate when I offered a lap. I felt that these precious little blessings wrapped in the cutest little boy disguises ever had a million hugs to give and there were simply not enough people around for the surplus.
I remember the rush of knocking on someone's door saying, "We're out in the basketball courts down the street, come check out our performing art!" And seeing most of them show up, and many of them scattered around the youth of La Vina praying with them. I was standing under a tree with a lovely little blonde companion and our mutual company was that of two young girls. One of these had a thousand questions about what constituted a sin or if something she saw her friend do once was bad... The conversation ended too soon and we invited her to church just a short distance away called Naciones. I remember her earnest interest in doing what God wanted her to do, even though she clearly had a hard time dealing with everyday life. I hope she went to Naciones.
On the way to church one day - on the bus of 70 passengers holding about a hundred - I squished next to a girl in the back, she was maybe 11. That look in her eye still haunts me, but in a wonderful way. The glimmer - nay, the gleam! - in her eye reflected the kind of relationship she had with Jesus. I always called myself a Christian, but I'm sure that unlike this girl, my life and/or attitude was never a large neon, blinking, obvious signal pointing to my heart saying, "FYI, this girl lives for Jesus." We talked the whole way about a couple of prophetic experiences she had and her desire to se Mexico's corrupt president and politicians come to Jesus. I will pray that she gets her wish of an audience with the President to tell him about the precious gift she carries in her own heart. Her passion was contagious! I felt her spirit lifting mine up to such a blissful peace and joy for what she knew should not be taken as a casual "religion," but the greatest love this girl - and the world - has ever known.
I remember a young man coming to the small but cheery house they provided for us to stay in. He came to lead our devotion, but they had overlooked one tiny detail - the interpreter. Not really thinking of the ramifications of choosing to do so, I offered to interpret his devotion. He was with us for about 45 minutes, but for me it was one of the many confirmations, affirmations and convictions that I had been needing for a long time. I remember a story he told about an evangelist who filled the stadiums of the city he preached in. This same man who led thousands to Christ turned his back first on God then on his ministry and as a result he became an alcoholic and miserable. I don't want to trade my destiny for anything so meaningless... and not only alcohol, there are other vices too.
I remember feeling more convicted in my heart during church when I heard the Spanish translation of the sermon, and I was surprised to find that I could feel close to Jesus while I worshipped in Spanish as well as in English. I remember feeling that I had found the purpose for my quirk in obsessing over the language for so long.
I remember the night we tried to invite all the kids over for a bonfire. We got the bonfire pit set up, sans the fire, and big huge drops of wet rain fell. There was a long debate before this whether the kids should come since it looked like rain, but we all defied the heavens and they came anyway. It ended up being a very large yet surprisingly intimate indoor party with about sixty souls crammed into a 12-soul house. We played a couple of games, we worshipped, I thought that I would be followed-up by someone, but I ended up being the only one who shared my heart that evening... I think I mentioned the shining for Jesus moment in the house.... how we came to teach them, but they taught me more than I ever dreamed I could comprehend about the subject.
I remember the feeling when we left. I remember the same quiet, shy Chuey loaded the truck with our empty luggages and feeling that my heart was the same - an empty piece of suitcase thrown into the back of a rusty pickup in the darkness and cold of the early morning. I just wanted to hide - only long enough so that I knew we would miss our flight - and step out into the sunshine outside that door again, walk the dusty streets to the orphanage and hug every little one in sight, and never look back....
The first thing I remember we stepped out onto the tarmack and over the threshold of customs and we were greeted by a small contingent of orphanage personnel. One in particular was a pretty girl, youngish and looked serious but ready to take a joke. I was surprised to hear her speak English comfortably since she had the trademark face of a Mexican. I soon found that she was born in the states and her grandparents (generation numero uno) wouldn't speak spanish to their children and the children - the lovely girl's parents - therefore spoke only English, therefore she only spoke... English. She is still the current coordinator of short-term mission-visitors or some such thing. The second thing I remember was a young man. He was quiet, reserved, serious, and had a haircut from 1997. The thing that I noticed was that he didn't take notice of any of us. At first I thought he was shy, but as the week went on I realized that is pretty much who he is. Chuey, they called him. I also noticed his heart was 100% totally completely committed to Esperanza Viva... amazing heart.
The first morning we were there I was surprised to find a nearly-empty orphanage, but apparently - as I had forgotten at the time - they also attend classes in the mornings. I did see a couple of under-agers and in my boldness (thinking I knew spanish) I sauntered right up to a cluster of little boys huddled on the edge of a picnic-style bench under the mess tent. They looked at me like I was an alien at first, but I straightened them out with a few tactful questions and a comment or two. In a matter of two and one half minutes I had two little boys about four years old take me by the hand, sat me down under the awning of one of the main buildings and sidled right up to me with puppy dog expressions and one didn't hesitate when I offered a lap. I felt that these precious little blessings wrapped in the cutest little boy disguises ever had a million hugs to give and there were simply not enough people around for the surplus.
I remember the rush of knocking on someone's door saying, "We're out in the basketball courts down the street, come check out our performing art!" And seeing most of them show up, and many of them scattered around the youth of La Vina praying with them. I was standing under a tree with a lovely little blonde companion and our mutual company was that of two young girls. One of these had a thousand questions about what constituted a sin or if something she saw her friend do once was bad... The conversation ended too soon and we invited her to church just a short distance away called Naciones. I remember her earnest interest in doing what God wanted her to do, even though she clearly had a hard time dealing with everyday life. I hope she went to Naciones.
On the way to church one day - on the bus of 70 passengers holding about a hundred - I squished next to a girl in the back, she was maybe 11. That look in her eye still haunts me, but in a wonderful way. The glimmer - nay, the gleam! - in her eye reflected the kind of relationship she had with Jesus. I always called myself a Christian, but I'm sure that unlike this girl, my life and/or attitude was never a large neon, blinking, obvious signal pointing to my heart saying, "FYI, this girl lives for Jesus." We talked the whole way about a couple of prophetic experiences she had and her desire to se Mexico's corrupt president and politicians come to Jesus. I will pray that she gets her wish of an audience with the President to tell him about the precious gift she carries in her own heart. Her passion was contagious! I felt her spirit lifting mine up to such a blissful peace and joy for what she knew should not be taken as a casual "religion," but the greatest love this girl - and the world - has ever known.
I remember a young man coming to the small but cheery house they provided for us to stay in. He came to lead our devotion, but they had overlooked one tiny detail - the interpreter. Not really thinking of the ramifications of choosing to do so, I offered to interpret his devotion. He was with us for about 45 minutes, but for me it was one of the many confirmations, affirmations and convictions that I had been needing for a long time. I remember a story he told about an evangelist who filled the stadiums of the city he preached in. This same man who led thousands to Christ turned his back first on God then on his ministry and as a result he became an alcoholic and miserable. I don't want to trade my destiny for anything so meaningless... and not only alcohol, there are other vices too.
I remember feeling more convicted in my heart during church when I heard the Spanish translation of the sermon, and I was surprised to find that I could feel close to Jesus while I worshipped in Spanish as well as in English. I remember feeling that I had found the purpose for my quirk in obsessing over the language for so long.
I remember the night we tried to invite all the kids over for a bonfire. We got the bonfire pit set up, sans the fire, and big huge drops of wet rain fell. There was a long debate before this whether the kids should come since it looked like rain, but we all defied the heavens and they came anyway. It ended up being a very large yet surprisingly intimate indoor party with about sixty souls crammed into a 12-soul house. We played a couple of games, we worshipped, I thought that I would be followed-up by someone, but I ended up being the only one who shared my heart that evening... I think I mentioned the shining for Jesus moment in the house.... how we came to teach them, but they taught me more than I ever dreamed I could comprehend about the subject.
I remember the feeling when we left. I remember the same quiet, shy Chuey loaded the truck with our empty luggages and feeling that my heart was the same - an empty piece of suitcase thrown into the back of a rusty pickup in the darkness and cold of the early morning. I just wanted to hide - only long enough so that I knew we would miss our flight - and step out into the sunshine outside that door again, walk the dusty streets to the orphanage and hug every little one in sight, and never look back....
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