down to you

It's a curious thing that a person can be so weighed down by the world around and still have time to think and meditate on the things that are weighing on their heart. That's me. I'm the maid-of-honor in my sister's wedding this weekend, also the designated dance teacher (they need more than just a lesson or two), I have final papers and tests due this week and next week, and to top it all off, I'm broke and thinking to go to Mexico for 5 months this spring! Yaaaay for stress!

In spite of it all, there has been a development in my seeking God for His will for my life. I've decided that this is the only way that I am able to live in complete and unadulterated joy, happiness and peace. That as a starting point I think God began to show me the things that are inside of me that have been less than appetizing characteristics: pride, selfishness, impatience, among other things....

In the beginnings of this quest I began immediately to think about the others that don't know about this unadulterated peace that God has been gracious enough to allow to settle in my heart. I wanted to tell EVERYONE about it and most of the time I didn't feel ready or worthy to do so. I still talked about it, but I think with such an ineffective spirit that I may as well have been mentioning that there was a buried treasure in their backyard and I got the expected reaction: "that's one opinion, I'm busy now, go away." So I went. Confused and feeling less adequate than ever.

So then I thought to myself, wait - if I don't feel adequate to carry out this message then there must be something wrong with me. Then a new mission arose: to better myself. In the process I learned many valueable lessons, but the more I thought in my brain about how I could become more worthy, the more unworthy I felt. The cycle continued like this for a couple of weeks.

On my way to class one day, walking in the freezing cold listening to my Hillsong (spanish version) I thought to myself, it's just me and God, and then it hit me as if between the eyes, it's not about me at all! The dorkus forkus that I am turned the whole event into a me-fest; the one thing that I think would hinder God the most! I was supposed to be working out my pride and selfishness and self-centeredness and while I was thinking about and dwelling on these things I was doing the very thing I was trying not to do... focus on me.

So a new mission has thus arisen. Focus wholly, completely, whole-heartedly, unashamedly, and unrelentingly on GOD. The Bible says that David was a man after God's own heart, and the religiously-minded would say, "but he was an adulterer, a murderer, a traitor!" David had repented of these things, and God would say thereafter that these are things he did, they don't define who he was. I am imperfect, I expect to strive for the rest of my life to become more like Christ while all the while remain imperfect, remain human, remain living in a sinful body, remain unworthy... the one thing that I will be sure of, is that if my spirit is in constant comunion with Him, with my Christ, the sinful nature will become ashes. The light and glory of who God is will reveal itself to me and I will realize the insignificance and the filth of my heart and simply want to "get dressed" like Adam and Eve, but there will be no where to hide and in that moment the only thing left to do will be to let go and let God, and when I do He will wash the dirt from my feet, from my past self, and I will be pure in my heart and spirit.

I say all this in the future tense for one reason: I have aknowledged the insignificance of my body, mind and even my will. I am aware of God's greatness and know that I am nothing, but I await a moment in which the Holy Spirit will show me what He sees. I understand I am imperfect, but I want to see this imperfection with the eyes of my Savior so that I can acknowledge it with my spirit and consequently let go and let God and claim the promise of purity and surrender everything to Him.

Everything?

Everything. It's the least I can do. He gave me everything first.