I was struck yesterday by a thought. It was around 8pm, I was just innocently reading my Bible when my heart is cut right through by Matthew 16:26. I start to panic, it's a holy type of panic when it's for the salvation of the children that I'm now in charge of raising.
The thought of having my own children frightens me to death because I'm almost certain I'll be a horrendous mother, letting them get away with murder, spoiling them, or punishing them too harshly because I have no patience...
This is ten times worse! These are nothing like my own children... They're already half-way raised, and they have a mind, a heart, and a soul; all of which are in total dysfunction. If you mess up your own kids its because you didn't get it right from the start. These kids didn't get a fresh rosy start, and now their frame of mind depends wholly on my faith. I CHOSE to be here, I WANTED to teach them about Christ and love and life.
If I mess up, it's because I don't take enough pains to teach them. It's because I don't have the patience to sit down with them, one-on-one sometimes, to tell them about love, sin, redemption. Yes, they need to be reminded constantly that God loves them, and so do the people that care for them.
Abandoned children have all kinds of self-acceptance complexes to work around. It's no cake walk! It's not easy, it's not ironing out the kinks in a kid whose mother gave him too much chocolate or let him watch too much television. It's a child whose sense of self has been forever damaged because the one person that confirms his identity (on this earth) has chosen, or maybe it wasn't a choice - doesn't change the psychological repurcussions - to LEAVE them.
My job is not simply making sure they pick up their toys and brush their teeth. It's not even to make sure they read their Bible regularly. My job is to dig out the roots of their pain, to pray and fast for their eternity, and to remind them of the only constant Thing in their lives, the only Person that can change the course of their future. My job is to make sure they know all they need to know to turn the tide of their social label, their statistics, their stereotype.
And they can.
There are so many examples of God's love and his GRACE around me. It's easy to forget where we all came from, the mire, the crap, the slime of our past. It's easy to simply engage in a simple conversation about a track meet, when the fact is that the young man running in the University state championships next month is a miracle. An actual living work of God, taking him from abandonment and insecurity to a relationship with God that gives him a self-confidence, a surety of himself and his future...
He is one of many. My failure is often to forget that each one is God's fingerprint.
When I die, I want to know that I did all that I could indeed to make sure that these young ones God put in my charge don't end up ignorant either of His love, or of their potential.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Why Jesus Had to... and I Could Never
The whole concept of forgiveness is indeed something supernatural. I truely don't think I could forgive the man who blew himself up out of religious spite and struck my family dead because they believe that their Islam is better than my family's Islam, or just because my family was born into a different blood line. I don't understand the world that Afghanistan is right now: full of hate, full of murder, so empty of anything meaningful or merciful. 
My sweet and possibly highly naiive character cannot comprehend how so many women and children, unwanted in China for their only fault of being female, are deposited like so much trash into the unrelenting blender of slavery and prostitution. I may not be capable of forgiving my family for leaving me to a fate that ends with my heart, my body, and my mind turning into a bloody useless mush. 
Furthermore, I cannot fathom a world that can justify its living standards - living beyond its income so that they can have three cars, when our daily starbucks could save several lives.I wonder what the average middle-class citizen of wherever thinks when he or she hears that FIFTEEN MILLION CHILDREN - just children - die every year of hunger. Hunger.
This is not a guilt trip, this is a fact. The fact is that children are dying, and if every American cafe-junkie or, on a much larger scale, European smokers would work out their budgets to include the life of a child, or three... well, the result would be a better world.
I believe in a better world, but I begin to lose faith in people - myself included. What can I do besides get pissed off? I mean, besides what I already do.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
On Atheism
I was in the midst of a half-hearted prayer, a bit frustrated with myself because I couldn't muster up some real motivation. I continued to pray anyway.
Suddenly, the thought strikes me: I'd rather be half-hearted and have my faith than be an atheist. I wondered where this thought came from, and prayed some more. Sometimes I can't help but think that random thoughts, especially during prayer, are not random at all.
So I begin to think, pray, and philosophize.
If I were to ask an atheist if he believed in anything spiritual, he would likely say no. Unless he was simply anti-Christ, which is different from being an atheist, who would be anti-god(s). If I were to ask if he believed in good and evil, or even in a primeval moral code - e.g. "You shouldn't do XYZ, because there are moral and physical consequences," etc.
And what if he said, as I've heard said before, "I don't believe that it's inherent, I believe it is learned." All the malarky about societal and cultural law. That does not negate the twinge in the conscience of the atheist. Can the atheist even explain a conscience, which is an involuntary emotional reaction? It's like the "ouch!" after stubbing the toe.
How do you learn something that is involuntary?
The conscience has been proven to be capable of abolition. This involuntary reaction, just as much as the toe-stubbed "ouch!" can be unlearned. We can train ourselves to ignore the twinge, ignore the pain, ignore even our own sense of compassion.
I argue, possibly very primitively, that the conscience is a created trait. Not by humans, but by a Being much smarter than our bull-headed selves who want to live without consequences, or at least who want to convince ourselves that nothing will happen to us if we decide to turn evil.
Even this thought, should it be conscious or sub-consciously thought by Mr. Atheist, proves that in his heart he is certain there is a God, doesn't it?
Suddenly, the thought strikes me: I'd rather be half-hearted and have my faith than be an atheist. I wondered where this thought came from, and prayed some more. Sometimes I can't help but think that random thoughts, especially during prayer, are not random at all.
So I begin to think, pray, and philosophize.
If I were to ask an atheist if he believed in anything spiritual, he would likely say no. Unless he was simply anti-Christ, which is different from being an atheist, who would be anti-god(s). If I were to ask if he believed in good and evil, or even in a primeval moral code - e.g. "You shouldn't do XYZ, because there are moral and physical consequences," etc.
And what if he said, as I've heard said before, "I don't believe that it's inherent, I believe it is learned." All the malarky about societal and cultural law. That does not negate the twinge in the conscience of the atheist. Can the atheist even explain a conscience, which is an involuntary emotional reaction? It's like the "ouch!" after stubbing the toe.
How do you learn something that is involuntary?
The conscience has been proven to be capable of abolition. This involuntary reaction, just as much as the toe-stubbed "ouch!" can be unlearned. We can train ourselves to ignore the twinge, ignore the pain, ignore even our own sense of compassion.
I argue, possibly very primitively, that the conscience is a created trait. Not by humans, but by a Being much smarter than our bull-headed selves who want to live without consequences, or at least who want to convince ourselves that nothing will happen to us if we decide to turn evil.
Even this thought, should it be conscious or sub-consciously thought by Mr. Atheist, proves that in his heart he is certain there is a God, doesn't it?
Why Give Thanks?
The other afternoon, my girls, fellow supervisors, and I went for a little walk. There's a giant chunck of green that somehow squeezes in about 6 soccer fields. On this sunny day we walked down the dusty little path that sometimes passes for the road leading to our front gates.
Arriving at the fields we chose to sit in the circle painted white on lush green in the very center of the grounds. We sat down with the intention of having a "picnic," which in fact was a corporate binge on a bunch of rarely-eaten junk food (Doritoes, Cheetos, chips, etc.).
As we sat down, I thought, what a good moment to make into something meaningful. So as the last girl plopped down with her Mexican version of cheetos, I said, "This week is Thanksgiving, so maybe we should say what we're most thankful for."
They agreed, and we began.
Esmeralda was first. She is the most sincere little grown-up of a girl. She said that she is thankful for her mom and dad, who God had blessed her with, and for her supervisors. She was proud that each one of us were HER supervisors. And from then, one by one, they would mention the thing they were most thankful for, and toss in the honorable mention for their supervisors.
While it may have been personal gratification to start with, I began to think of them 10 years from now. What will they say about me then? What impact will I have had on them by the time they have children? Will they continue to be thankful for the people that did their best to raise them? Will their own children reflect the training they received from me and my fellow missionaries?
I begin to worry a bit, and just like a mother, I begin to pray.
Arriving at the fields we chose to sit in the circle painted white on lush green in the very center of the grounds. We sat down with the intention of having a "picnic," which in fact was a corporate binge on a bunch of rarely-eaten junk food (Doritoes, Cheetos, chips, etc.).
As we sat down, I thought, what a good moment to make into something meaningful. So as the last girl plopped down with her Mexican version of cheetos, I said, "This week is Thanksgiving, so maybe we should say what we're most thankful for."
They agreed, and we began.
Esmeralda was first. She is the most sincere little grown-up of a girl. She said that she is thankful for her mom and dad, who God had blessed her with, and for her supervisors. She was proud that each one of us were HER supervisors. And from then, one by one, they would mention the thing they were most thankful for, and toss in the honorable mention for their supervisors.
While it may have been personal gratification to start with, I began to think of them 10 years from now. What will they say about me then? What impact will I have had on them by the time they have children? Will they continue to be thankful for the people that did their best to raise them? Will their own children reflect the training they received from me and my fellow missionaries?
I begin to worry a bit, and just like a mother, I begin to pray.
Friday, November 18, 2011
"I'll do whatever I want." - the Christian
RECENTLY, I felt as if I were hanging off a precipice, ready to fall, ready to just let go and start floating, ready to stop fighting.
Then I felt a hand grab mine and effortlessly pull me up out of the abyss of self-centeredness. God has been so faithful, it's so unfair that I can't be the same with Him, but I've come to the conclusion that I might be even dumber than the whole entire nation of Israel, and He never gave up on them. I haven't molded any golden livestock or anything, but my heart sometimes drifts in that direction.
God is teaching me a lot, and I've been able to skooch a little closer to Him with each effort I make. He's surprisingly present, nearly tangible lately.
An example is that just today, as I seriously peruse my Facebook page for the first time in a long time (you're not a true missionary until all your friendships are maintained using this medium), I find a note. It was simple, short, referring to St. Augustine's "Love God and do as you please."
This immediately brought to mind that verse in Ecclesiastes. Funny how when God speaks we say, "And I just thought of it!" Like it was our own wisdom or something... we're so dumb sometimes. Anyway, the verse,
"Be happy, young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment."
This verse always gets me thinking. Sometimes too hard... Then I recall a brief conversation I had with God only yesterday; it's one of those inner conversations. No audible voices, no pillar of fire.
So, as we're hashing things out, I'm all bent out of shape because I feel like God has given me a vision, a dream, something to stride toward for the REST OF MY LIFE. I'm excited, right?
I say to Him, "Listen, this is what I feel like is right. I want the whole world to know of your love, but I don't want to do anything about it unless I'm sure that I'm sure this is the heart behind what I decide to do."
He responds, almost nonchalantly, "Well, if that's your heart behind your decision, go ahead."
So I find out there may not be a formula for everyone, but it turns out that when I am close to God, it is true, He feeds my heart's desires, creates thoughts that wouldn't formulate by themselves, and it's actually true, that the Bible says, "Follow your heart." There's a clause though that Hollywood overlooked: "know that for all these things God will bring you to judgement."
I've even tested this theory and drawn away from God for a time... just to see. This is a dangerous feat and should not be attempted at home without adult supervision. However, guess what happened? No less than a week, and these same amazing, life-changing desires evaporated. I started panicking - and then praying.
Almost as soon as I said His Name - His glorious and powerful Name - the dreams and desires came flooding back into my heart.
Then I felt a hand grab mine and effortlessly pull me up out of the abyss of self-centeredness. God has been so faithful, it's so unfair that I can't be the same with Him, but I've come to the conclusion that I might be even dumber than the whole entire nation of Israel, and He never gave up on them. I haven't molded any golden livestock or anything, but my heart sometimes drifts in that direction.
God is teaching me a lot, and I've been able to skooch a little closer to Him with each effort I make. He's surprisingly present, nearly tangible lately.
An example is that just today, as I seriously peruse my Facebook page for the first time in a long time (you're not a true missionary until all your friendships are maintained using this medium), I find a note. It was simple, short, referring to St. Augustine's "Love God and do as you please."
This immediately brought to mind that verse in Ecclesiastes. Funny how when God speaks we say, "And I just thought of it!" Like it was our own wisdom or something... we're so dumb sometimes. Anyway, the verse,
"Be happy, young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment."
This verse always gets me thinking. Sometimes too hard... Then I recall a brief conversation I had with God only yesterday; it's one of those inner conversations. No audible voices, no pillar of fire.
So, as we're hashing things out, I'm all bent out of shape because I feel like God has given me a vision, a dream, something to stride toward for the REST OF MY LIFE. I'm excited, right?
I say to Him, "Listen, this is what I feel like is right. I want the whole world to know of your love, but I don't want to do anything about it unless I'm sure that I'm sure this is the heart behind what I decide to do."
He responds, almost nonchalantly, "Well, if that's your heart behind your decision, go ahead."
So I find out there may not be a formula for everyone, but it turns out that when I am close to God, it is true, He feeds my heart's desires, creates thoughts that wouldn't formulate by themselves, and it's actually true, that the Bible says, "Follow your heart." There's a clause though that Hollywood overlooked: "know that for all these things God will bring you to judgement."
I've even tested this theory and drawn away from God for a time... just to see. This is a dangerous feat and should not be attempted at home without adult supervision. However, guess what happened? No less than a week, and these same amazing, life-changing desires evaporated. I started panicking - and then praying.
Almost as soon as I said His Name - His glorious and powerful Name - the dreams and desires came flooding back into my heart.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Home (for a minute)
Those of you who read my notes may already know that I am in town for a short time. Being home is interesting and confusing. I wanted to come home because I missed my family and my church, and now I miss my girls. I worry that the things I taught them might unravel in my absence. I do trust God to take care of them while I'm away, I just didn't think it would be this difficult to be away.
They are dear girls. The questions I get the most are, "Who are they?" and "What are they like?" Here I'll give you a brief synopsis of My Girls:
Jazmin- intelligent, craves attention, and is a little lazy.
Itzel- one of the youngest, she is extremely active, friendly, and experiences occasional outbursts of emotion.
Mireya- introverted, loves music, and is very emotional.
Grecia- extremely friendly, loves hugs and basketball, and struggles with speaking before thinking.
Roberta- book smart, she is curious, always asks "why?"
Cruza- sweet, quiet-spirited girl, she is easy to talk to, she gets frustrated with school work.
Guadalupe (Michelle)- extroverted, friendly, smiley girl, sometimes has a difficult time relating to the other girls.
Lupe- petite, responsible, loves to do hair for the other girls, and enjoys afternoon naps.
Esmeralda- open, chatty, understands her relationship with God, and very maternal towards the other girls.
Each one, as you see has their strengths and weaknesses. My job involves a lot of drawing out, a lot of encouraging to be loving, and to work harder. My main duty is to love them, I do try to make sure each one receives at least one hug a day, and remind them at bedtime that they are loved.
We have devotionals together, and after I learned that their understanding of the Christian faith was basic at best, I began with very basic teachings leaving a lot of room for questions. They are smart girls, and they want to know about God, and that encourages me. Please help me pray that they receive Him as their life-long savior, and not just that Something that puts all those rules in place.
I am a little discouraged because my support raising efforts didn't go as planned. I am learning to trust God, and to work a lot harder for the support I need. It is a humbling endeavor to be a missionary, depending on the support of my brothers and sisters. This is the interdependence of a disciple though, and I am glad for it!
They are dear girls. The questions I get the most are, "Who are they?" and "What are they like?" Here I'll give you a brief synopsis of My Girls:
Jazmin- intelligent, craves attention, and is a little lazy.
Itzel- one of the youngest, she is extremely active, friendly, and experiences occasional outbursts of emotion.
Mireya- introverted, loves music, and is very emotional.
Grecia- extremely friendly, loves hugs and basketball, and struggles with speaking before thinking.
Roberta- book smart, she is curious, always asks "why?"
Cruza- sweet, quiet-spirited girl, she is easy to talk to, she gets frustrated with school work.
Guadalupe (Michelle)- extroverted, friendly, smiley girl, sometimes has a difficult time relating to the other girls.
Lupe- petite, responsible, loves to do hair for the other girls, and enjoys afternoon naps.
Esmeralda- open, chatty, understands her relationship with God, and very maternal towards the other girls.
Each one, as you see has their strengths and weaknesses. My job involves a lot of drawing out, a lot of encouraging to be loving, and to work harder. My main duty is to love them, I do try to make sure each one receives at least one hug a day, and remind them at bedtime that they are loved.
We have devotionals together, and after I learned that their understanding of the Christian faith was basic at best, I began with very basic teachings leaving a lot of room for questions. They are smart girls, and they want to know about God, and that encourages me. Please help me pray that they receive Him as their life-long savior, and not just that Something that puts all those rules in place.
I am a little discouraged because my support raising efforts didn't go as planned. I am learning to trust God, and to work a lot harder for the support I need. It is a humbling endeavor to be a missionary, depending on the support of my brothers and sisters. This is the interdependence of a disciple though, and I am glad for it!
Monday, August 22, 2011
School is In!
I had kind of mixed feelings of melancholy and relief as the girls all got ready for school today. I also nearly had a heart-attack when I realized this morning that I should be waking up around 5:30am to be on the ball with them as they get ready for school every day. It is different now not to wake up, put the music on so they can practice a dance routine, or lay around with books in hand for a lazy summer morning.
Change is growth, as they say. Well, as I say. I don't know if anyone else said it...
I made three successful videos for Jerry as he heads out to a string of events to help raise funds for our Dining Hall, Community Center. I'm excited for a community center, and my first suggestion will be to invest or ask for donations of couches. It feels like ages since my soft fleshy area has set on a couch. Just crouching awkwardly under a bunk is all we ever get for living comfort. Maybe it sounds like a lot to ask, but if you count how many times you sit on your couch at home, imagine if you didn't have one... Just imagine it. Picture it. Right now. You have no couch. It's a painful thought, isn't it?
Some of the kids and young people have started a new trend, a sort of addiction you might call it, but in the most Christian of senses. Phase Ten, the card game. We've gotten to the point where the loser pays all (in a bag of popcorn or a 2 liter of Coke, or in cleaning up afterward, depending on the level of their riches).
I've been a little too successful in my endeavor to put together a new audiovisual crew at Nations church. I was expecting maybe 6 to 8 people to show up, and even less to make it all the way through the course. I ended up with 13 and no one is dropping out... and most are passing with maybe not flying colors. More like some of the colors are sort of blowing in a breeze, lifting a little and then sometimes laying there, flat, and motionless. The point is, there are COLORS, none are failing.
This is good news, but for me it means more time invested in managing the whole thing. Time.... It's such a precious word in ministry. One dude has all the pluck in the world to want to help me so I've been training him in double-time, he's already helping teach the others with the on-site stuff and since he's trusted by the ministry I'm hoping I'll be able to hand him copies of the keys to the camera cabinet soon.
Apart from raising children, raising funds, and raising an army of video experts, life is pretty tranquil...
Change is growth, as they say. Well, as I say. I don't know if anyone else said it...
I made three successful videos for Jerry as he heads out to a string of events to help raise funds for our Dining Hall, Community Center. I'm excited for a community center, and my first suggestion will be to invest or ask for donations of couches. It feels like ages since my soft fleshy area has set on a couch. Just crouching awkwardly under a bunk is all we ever get for living comfort. Maybe it sounds like a lot to ask, but if you count how many times you sit on your couch at home, imagine if you didn't have one... Just imagine it. Picture it. Right now. You have no couch. It's a painful thought, isn't it?
Some of the kids and young people have started a new trend, a sort of addiction you might call it, but in the most Christian of senses. Phase Ten, the card game. We've gotten to the point where the loser pays all (in a bag of popcorn or a 2 liter of Coke, or in cleaning up afterward, depending on the level of their riches).
I've been a little too successful in my endeavor to put together a new audiovisual crew at Nations church. I was expecting maybe 6 to 8 people to show up, and even less to make it all the way through the course. I ended up with 13 and no one is dropping out... and most are passing with maybe not flying colors. More like some of the colors are sort of blowing in a breeze, lifting a little and then sometimes laying there, flat, and motionless. The point is, there are COLORS, none are failing.
This is good news, but for me it means more time invested in managing the whole thing. Time.... It's such a precious word in ministry. One dude has all the pluck in the world to want to help me so I've been training him in double-time, he's already helping teach the others with the on-site stuff and since he's trusted by the ministry I'm hoping I'll be able to hand him copies of the keys to the camera cabinet soon.
Apart from raising children, raising funds, and raising an army of video experts, life is pretty tranquil...
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Greatest Love Story Ever
If you know me well, you probably know of my little girl crush on Donald Miller, the author. I'm not ashamed of it. I hope someday we'll be author-friends. I already know someone who knows someone who knows him, so just a decade or so to go and I'm in!
Anyway, all of this just to say that there is no little girl crush or any story of "true love" more deeply and movingly told than in Don's book (I'm just going to start off calling him by his first name, so we can get used to the idea that I'll be good friends with him one day). His last chapter in Searching for God-Knows-What is a sort of essay-comparison of the story of the love story between God and his greatest love (you and me), and Romeo and Juliet. Even he mentions that it might be a flawed theory, and maybe Shakespeare didn't mean for it to be taken that far, but he seems to have his facts straight. If you don't believe him you can reasearch (Google) it if you want!
Either way you cut it, my heart was stolen by God the other night as I read the words of Romeo being captured in the same way a Christian finds his way to the heart of God, and fully trusting him, because he fell in love, and he wishes to throw away everything, even his identity as anything else but a Christian:
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptiz'd;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.
Anyway, all of this just to say that there is no little girl crush or any story of "true love" more deeply and movingly told than in Don's book (I'm just going to start off calling him by his first name, so we can get used to the idea that I'll be good friends with him one day). His last chapter in Searching for God-Knows-What is a sort of essay-comparison of the story of the love story between God and his greatest love (you and me), and Romeo and Juliet. Even he mentions that it might be a flawed theory, and maybe Shakespeare didn't mean for it to be taken that far, but he seems to have his facts straight. If you don't believe him you can reasearch (Google) it if you want!
Either way you cut it, my heart was stolen by God the other night as I read the words of Romeo being captured in the same way a Christian finds his way to the heart of God, and fully trusting him, because he fell in love, and he wishes to throw away everything, even his identity as anything else but a Christian:
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptiz'd;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Deeper Thoughts
All week I've been reading about relationship, and how God's purpose is not to make sure we have all the right ingredients to get into Heaven. Rather He is waiting for us to see the same love that Jesus had in His eyes, the same light that Mary Magdalene saw... a yearning to know us.
I guess you could say I've been contemplating my future. My faithful counsel, Oswald Chambers, reminded me that the present is God's will for my life. As long as I am seeking Him, and not in the sense that I'm looking for the arrows on the road of life, but seeking Him I've already acheived His purpose for my life.
It was comforting. At the same time, because we are humans and if we don't make plans we do nothing, and then by the time we hit 80 we're looking back at our brief lifespan going, "What the heck? Where'd all my time go? I was supposed to change the world..."
I can't shake the feeling, and I'm pretty sure I never will, that I was made to be a writer. I've given up knowing what kind of writer. I like fiction, but I hate the idea of writing novels. I like real-life, but then it feels like self-absorption. I like narrative of other people's lives, but there isn't much going for the human interest beat from where I'm standing... So, I simply continue to write. Someday I'll turn the menagerie of nonsense I've compiled into something awesome, maybe even change the world.
I guess you could say I've been contemplating my future. My faithful counsel, Oswald Chambers, reminded me that the present is God's will for my life. As long as I am seeking Him, and not in the sense that I'm looking for the arrows on the road of life, but seeking Him I've already acheived His purpose for my life.
It was comforting. At the same time, because we are humans and if we don't make plans we do nothing, and then by the time we hit 80 we're looking back at our brief lifespan going, "What the heck? Where'd all my time go? I was supposed to change the world..."
I can't shake the feeling, and I'm pretty sure I never will, that I was made to be a writer. I've given up knowing what kind of writer. I like fiction, but I hate the idea of writing novels. I like real-life, but then it feels like self-absorption. I like narrative of other people's lives, but there isn't much going for the human interest beat from where I'm standing... So, I simply continue to write. Someday I'll turn the menagerie of nonsense I've compiled into something awesome, maybe even change the world.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
In Living Culture dot Wanna-Be
Well, ladies and gentleman, my fancy website was somehow prone to inter-continental attack by Kuwait. I wonder about what the world is coming to. How low, man...
So here we go. I'm trusting that all three of my readers will stay informed via my blog faithfully, but if anyone has me on a reader, you may change http://www.inlivingculture.com/ for this website: http://www.lunadesaparecida.blogspot.com/
Ministry is an exciting adventure. Things are not peachy all the time, in fact, I'm reminded almost every week how rude life is to some people, and how rude those people become because of life being so rude.
Their spiritual well-being is covered by constant reminders of God's love, the love and prayer of us supervisors, and your prayers as well. Keep the children in the foremost part of your brain as you pray for me. Only God and these children are my reason for persevering!
So here we go. I'm trusting that all three of my readers will stay informed via my blog faithfully, but if anyone has me on a reader, you may change http://www.inlivingculture.com/ for this website: http://www.lunadesaparecida.blogspot.com/
~
Ministry is an exciting adventure. Things are not peachy all the time, in fact, I'm reminded almost every week how rude life is to some people, and how rude those people become because of life being so rude.
My girls are doing as well as can be expected after that first statement. I've decided that beginning in August we will begin a rigorous reading program. I want them to all read at least five new books in the next 3 to 4 weeks. I've realized, and also been informed that the culture of education is somewhat lax. My friend, Luis, and I are trying to pull some things together to make it a more intellectually cultivating environment at the Youth Home.
In addition to this, I will soon be beginning an workshop. I'm calling it a "workshop" because "class" sounds too much like hard work and learning, and kids are usually not fans of hard work. I should know, I used to be one. Since the word in Spanish for workshop doesn't actually include the word "work" in it, like in English, maybe they will come. If I build it, they will come...
Their spiritual well-being is covered by constant reminders of God's love, the love and prayer of us supervisors, and your prayers as well. Keep the children in the foremost part of your brain as you pray for me. Only God and these children are my reason for persevering!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Hey There, Stranger
It's late. I'm feeling deep and introspective... and tired. I was thinking today that my whole life I've always felt like the outsider. As if the people around me only tolerate me. I can be involved in a church for years and still feel just slightly the odd-one-out. In fact, most of the time I feel this way within my own family. Once in a while I'm told I'm great, that so-and-so loves me, that I will be missed when I'm gone to Mexico.. I guess I believe them. I have no reason to doubt them. "Feeling loved" or appreciated is not the issue.
I wonder if I haven't been given a gift. Although I have a track record of claiming that things are probably a blessing when really they're likely psych-outs. Example: my "gift" of being a content single person may or may not come from a past filled with deceit and hurt and a lack of ability to trust, or it could be the gift of singleness! I prefer to stake my claim to the latter since it means there's not only nothing wrong with me, but I'm a step ahead of the ones praying for X to look her way.
In this instance, though, I think my gift is that of feeling literally like an alien in this world. 1 Peter 1:17... "live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear."
I meditate constantly on leaving. As in leaving leaving. My prayers are often riddled with "Come down now," "I want to go Home," "Some idea, this flesh..." I must sound like a total whiner to God. Probably the reason I sense that I am often an afterthought for others is because this mentality was meant for me. I simply am not to belong. This is part of my call -- to be the outsider, the foreigner, the stranger.
Don't misunderstand, I'm not sad or lonely. Despite my emotional cripple, I am indeed a content single person, and I cherish my friendships, and deeply love and care for my family. It's just a sense that I get... mostly stemming from practical evidence, but sometimes this feeling just washes over me, like I grew a third leg, or started speaking a different language that no one understands, and people don't think to be around me as much as they do friend A or B.
This is all just something I've been chewing on, and praying about... Feel free to join in.
I wonder if I haven't been given a gift. Although I have a track record of claiming that things are probably a blessing when really they're likely psych-outs. Example: my "gift" of being a content single person may or may not come from a past filled with deceit and hurt and a lack of ability to trust, or it could be the gift of singleness! I prefer to stake my claim to the latter since it means there's not only nothing wrong with me, but I'm a step ahead of the ones praying for X to look her way.
In this instance, though, I think my gift is that of feeling literally like an alien in this world. 1 Peter 1:17... "live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear."
I meditate constantly on leaving. As in leaving leaving. My prayers are often riddled with "Come down now," "I want to go Home," "Some idea, this flesh..." I must sound like a total whiner to God. Probably the reason I sense that I am often an afterthought for others is because this mentality was meant for me. I simply am not to belong. This is part of my call -- to be the outsider, the foreigner, the stranger.
Don't misunderstand, I'm not sad or lonely. Despite my emotional cripple, I am indeed a content single person, and I cherish my friendships, and deeply love and care for my family. It's just a sense that I get... mostly stemming from practical evidence, but sometimes this feeling just washes over me, like I grew a third leg, or started speaking a different language that no one understands, and people don't think to be around me as much as they do friend A or B.
This is all just something I've been chewing on, and praying about... Feel free to join in.
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