leave it all behind

I'm getting tired... I'm really getting sick (I think its a sore throat), but mostly I'm getting sick and tired. Some revelations come in weird packages... this time it was in the form of a Mexican. My gripe this week has been good-byes. This is not new news to those of you who have read my blogs before. I've mentioned the red stain on my sleeve that keeps getting bigger and bigger with each time I have to turn my back on it all. There are some people I meet that I think I've known forever. My heart - pearched precariously on that sleeve - decides that that person is worth my time, affection and attention, regardless of how I might feel in the inevitable end. Chunks of my heart are scattered all over latin-america, a trail of love-blood with my DNA going from city to city. I'm not talking about falling in love... I'm talking about the person that crosses your path with nothing more than a smile and a song and your hooked, I'm talking about the city that makes you feel like you were supposed to have been born there instead, I'm talking about the feeling you get when you fit... You want that person's friendship, conversation and company; you want to move your life to that city; you never want to leave that feeling behind. My issue is that when it happens to me I like to overdose on all of the above... I meet a person and I douse myself in their company and conversation, I like a city and I take it to the ultimate level and move there, I fit with someone or someplace and just as I'm deciding that this is finally it, another chunk of my heart drops off my sleeve and lands in another place and I leave the last bloody pile of chunks behind and that heart - hanging in ribbons of shredded time and effort - says, "I want to stay, but I simply can't."

4:30a.m. and nowhere to go

I always wondered why some of my friends said they couldn't sleep simply because they had a lot on their minds. Tonight, the wondering stops. I have a lot on my mind and I can't sleep. I've tried getting tired, I've tried changing the subject in my brain, I've tried MSNing till 2:30... I've even tried exercising! Nuthin.

What's on my mind you say? In a word, everything; in a few words, really only two things: Argentina and Mexico. It's like a book I can't put down! I stimulate my brain with one chapter (Argentina) and then just when I think I've exhausted the thought, I move on to the next chapter (Mexico) and the cycle continues for hours! I've been thinking in my head why I was so disappointed with Buenos Aires, because I thought that I was... and now I can't bring myself to think of more than one lousy reason: I was lonely. Worst of all, I was lonely and I made the wrong friends in the beginning and I ended up wandering the city some days for hours wollowing in self-pity while convincing myself that I could have a great time alone.... the loneliness was relieved once in a while, mostly at around 10:30p.m. every night after the month of May. In short, I didn't give it a chance! I feel bad about it and now I'm finding myself fantasizing about a return visit and doing it "right" this time... I can't help but think that most fantasies stay in their fantasy stage forever, but then, some don't. I feel like a teenager.

Then I think of Mexico. That lovely city for which I will trade Buenos Aires for a time, Puebla. I daydream about perfect spanish (ha!), the kids and I playing dominoes, me suddenly learning to sing or play piano for church, improving as a person, which according to my last post should be a high priority...

I realize now that my love for Mexico won't change if I think Buenos Aires was probably the best time of my life so far... I think in the beginning I felt like I was "cheating" on Mexico, but now I understand that Mexico is more like my grandmother, she will always be there and no matter what I go through in life I'll always come back for her. Argentina is a lot like a Summer love... pretty much unforgettable.

know anything about psychiatry?

I didn't even spell that right... goes to show how much stock I put in them horse feathers. I don't know how to say this without sounding somewhat like ...mmm, a tonta. I feel there are many things in life that are worth devoting one's entire life to, things that one should even innately feel drawn to devoting themselves to: a church, a best friend, God, a spouse, a family, a house surrounded by green lawns and a dog perched on the porch... these things are burned into our brains as natural, as only-human, as necessary! Who am I to think myself above such things? I'll tell you who, a nobody. I'm sitting here knowing that a good chunk of my life will be spent in Mexico, just like it was spent in Argentina, Chile, Bolivia, Peru, and many other places in between... and do you know who I'm thinking about? ME. I'm supposed to be going because I feel that this is my calling in life and all I can think about is how it will all affect me, how I'm scared, how I maybe won't make a friend, how scared I am of my meager spanish skills, and how botched it will get by country grammar...

This issue of pride is something not to be toyed with. I feel that our good pastor Darling has a thing or two to say about that, and before him another man of God who said, in so many words, that if you can't commit, you are no less than a selfish, self-seeking, self-centered, prideful schmuck. I think he may have omitted the "schmuck" part, but all the same he was describing me. I can't keep a friend, I can't keep a church, I can't put down my self-pity long enough to pick up the slack around the house! I can't even muster up enough heartstrings to miss my own mother when I'm away for 7 months.... I think I deserve a better word than "schmuck."

Needless to say, I know that jumping down my throat will only cause me to choke and that vivid image can hardly be described as helpful. My friend S. who left our humble cities today is one of the people I could always count on for stable, honest, opinionated advice. I think if he were here right now, he'd tell me to shut up.

Maybe I'll do just that. I'll shut up, suck it up, chew on it, sleep it off, and do all the other things that if you really think about it, don't amount to anything that looks like an actual action, grammatically speaking. Well, I made one decision I know I'm going to stick to even if my toenails turn blue... I'd talk crazy but I don't want you people to think I've gone nuts. Who I am may not be the pack of peaches the doctor ordered, but I'll tell you one thing, Who God is juices the orange, He takes the cake, He makes strawberrys and cream look like curdled stinky cheese! I may be a nobody, but one day I'll screw on my head straight and see that nobody is a somebody. Call me a pessimist --- you pessimists may call me a realist.

Despite all that, if my sources are correct, I'm pretty sure nobodies usually became somebodies when they turned to God. Look at that famous David character! You know the one, the guy who hung out in the fields treading the lawn fertilizer of dirty animals and strumming his harp for all the livestock willing to listen, the one who's dad thought he was to twerpy to make it to town for that prophet guys' ball. Some of his smaller accomplishments were killing animals with few things besides a string and a rock, killing a giant with said "weapon," oh yes, he also became one of the most powerful kings in all of history... all because he was a man after God's own heart.

What are we after? What the hell am I after? The answer is painfully obvious in my painfully evident obscurity and lack of skill as a normal human being: I'm after me.

Clear Ambiguity

With S. visiting, Mexico looming, preparations awaiting, and fretting abounding, this past week has been a real adventure. Because of my severe lack of faith in myself I have done my best to not find myself alone with S. It's too painful -- mostly it's too painful to see his pain. I know why he's here, I know that there are some things that I should have shouldered as the breaker-upper and I failed him in that respect... but in my defense there were few alternatives and I followed my conscience and made a sound decision based on legitimate feelings. I've recently been struggling with the idea that things should never have developed the way that they did in Ar... I know that S. has changed, and grown, and he showed me what a man can be. I know that I learned far more in those few months than I have in many years of my life. No. I cannot say that I wish it didn't happen. I may not have made the decisions I've made, I may not have become the woman I am, I may not have found my calling if I I had not known S., if I had not loved him.

I heard that he feels that being the man he has shown me has only got him hurt and he may give up the profession of being nearly amazing to avoid feeling that hurt again. I have to say that if that were the case, and he became a different person than the kind, loving, hilarious, sometimes hot-tempered, generous man that I came to know, my heart might break all over again. If that is his revenge, to put aside his goodness forever, it would be complete indeed.

Philippians 4:6,7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I don't think there could be a more aggravating, more promising verse in the Bible... It has been a frustrating and surprising last few days. I chose to wait on God, I chose to be patient, I chose to guard my heart with this verse, clinging like there were no tomorrow to this promise of peace if I simply take hold of a promise and pray and present my requests to Him.

I was surprised by the unannounced arrival of S. from Argentina. I didn't know how to handle the situation, and I confess that I still don't... I pray for grace and for the wisdom that will necesarily have to come with this surprise. I also pray that I will stay committed in body, mind and spirit to the covenants I have lately sealed with my God. I cling to the Word of God as Truth and I pray that His promised peace will come and confirm my every hope and slay my every fear...

I have lately committed my fate regarding Mexico to Him as well. Everything will fall into its rightful place if it be the will of Him who knows my purpose here. The voucher will come in time to buy the last ticket to Puebla, S. will find the closure he needs, Friday will bring the good news of my acceptance to the school, and so many more hopes will be realized --- but only by the Hand that loves me and wants me to fulfill my purpose for breathing on this earth.