I didn't even spell that right... goes to show how much stock I put in them horse feathers. I don't know how to say this without sounding somewhat like ...mmm, a tonta. I feel there are many things in life that are worth devoting one's entire life to, things that one should even innately feel drawn to devoting themselves to: a church, a best friend, God, a spouse, a family, a house surrounded by green lawns and a dog perched on the porch... these things are burned into our brains as natural, as only-human, as necessary! Who am I to think myself above such things? I'll tell you who, a nobody. I'm sitting here knowing that a good chunk of my life will be spent in Mexico, just like it was spent in Argentina, Chile, Bolivia, Peru, and many other places in between... and do you know who I'm thinking about? ME. I'm supposed to be going because I feel that this is my calling in life and all I can think about is how it will all affect me, how I'm scared, how I maybe won't make a friend, how scared I am of my meager spanish skills, and how botched it will get by country grammar...
This issue of pride is something not to be toyed with. I feel that our good pastor Darling has a thing or two to say about that, and before him another man of God who said, in so many words, that if you can't commit, you are no less than a selfish, self-seeking, self-centered, prideful schmuck. I think he may have omitted the "schmuck" part, but all the same he was describing me. I can't keep a friend, I can't keep a church, I can't put down my self-pity long enough to pick up the slack around the house! I can't even muster up enough heartstrings to miss my own mother when I'm away for 7 months.... I think I deserve a better word than "schmuck."
Needless to say, I know that jumping down my throat will only cause me to choke and that vivid image can hardly be described as helpful. My friend S. who left our humble cities today is one of the people I could always count on for stable, honest, opinionated advice. I think if he were here right now, he'd tell me to shut up.
Maybe I'll do just that. I'll shut up, suck it up, chew on it, sleep it off, and do all the other things that if you really think about it, don't amount to anything that looks like an actual action, grammatically speaking. Well, I made one decision I know I'm going to stick to even if my toenails turn blue... I'd talk crazy but I don't want you people to think I've gone nuts. Who I am may not be the pack of peaches the doctor ordered, but I'll tell you one thing, Who God is juices the orange, He takes the cake, He makes strawberrys and cream look like curdled stinky cheese! I may be a nobody, but one day I'll screw on my head straight and see that nobody is a somebody. Call me a pessimist --- you pessimists may call me a realist.
Despite all that, if my sources are correct, I'm pretty sure nobodies usually became somebodies when they turned to God. Look at that famous David character! You know the one, the guy who hung out in the fields treading the lawn fertilizer of dirty animals and strumming his harp for all the livestock willing to listen, the one who's dad thought he was to twerpy to make it to town for that prophet guys' ball. Some of his smaller accomplishments were killing animals with few things besides a string and a rock, killing a giant with said "weapon," oh yes, he also became one of the most powerful kings in all of history... all because he was a man after God's own heart.
What are we after? What the hell am I after? The answer is painfully obvious in my painfully evident obscurity and lack of skill as a normal human being: I'm after me.
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