Clear Ambiguity

With S. visiting, Mexico looming, preparations awaiting, and fretting abounding, this past week has been a real adventure. Because of my severe lack of faith in myself I have done my best to not find myself alone with S. It's too painful -- mostly it's too painful to see his pain. I know why he's here, I know that there are some things that I should have shouldered as the breaker-upper and I failed him in that respect... but in my defense there were few alternatives and I followed my conscience and made a sound decision based on legitimate feelings. I've recently been struggling with the idea that things should never have developed the way that they did in Ar... I know that S. has changed, and grown, and he showed me what a man can be. I know that I learned far more in those few months than I have in many years of my life. No. I cannot say that I wish it didn't happen. I may not have made the decisions I've made, I may not have become the woman I am, I may not have found my calling if I I had not known S., if I had not loved him.

I heard that he feels that being the man he has shown me has only got him hurt and he may give up the profession of being nearly amazing to avoid feeling that hurt again. I have to say that if that were the case, and he became a different person than the kind, loving, hilarious, sometimes hot-tempered, generous man that I came to know, my heart might break all over again. If that is his revenge, to put aside his goodness forever, it would be complete indeed.