Well on my way to becoming a spinster, I'm warming to the idea. I wonder sometimes if my mother would approve.... Talking it out with a friend I realized it's really too much trouble anyway: revealed bad habits, shared secrets, bared souls. As soon as too much is said, the romance wears right out. Like a great pair of shoes that give you blisters. You can only look at them with appreciation for so long. I've seen the light fade in the eyes of a few before they closed altogether.
While the sentiment comes and goes, it has grown on me. The idea of growing old doesn't scare me - even alone. God said that for me to be alone is "not good" but there is precious little example of what "good" is. I don't mean to sound cynical, not at all! I hope I'm not coming across as bitter, I'm not. All these feelings have driven me into the arms of someone darn steady, one of those Forever-types. He's quite the sweet talker. And the more we spend time together the less I ask him about someone else. No analogy can describe him. When I think of him all I see is the sun, all I feel is the anticipation of his love. And nothing like uncomfortable shoes, he's like a vintage wine - he only gets better with time.
My dear friends who want to give me sincere and wise advice about how wrong I am can keep it to themselves. It's not that I'm afraid of a relationship (which I should be, do you know the divorce rate?), and it's not that I don't trust God to maybe give me someone someday. Although the idea of it bores me. Lord, if you're even taking me seriously right now, I won't turn down your offered gift. Just beware I'll need him to kick me in the face to get my attention. And he'll have to break down the barrier that is You to get to my heart. That being said, I'm done. Done. In every sense of the word.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Mexico, again.
You can take the woman out of Mexico, but you can't take Mexico out of the woman!!
I'm back from only five full days in Mexico, but it was five days of serious reflection and consideration. The first day was difficult, and I admit that I felt out of place. The second day went much better and they began to give me more responsibility. By the third day I was having dinner with one of my good friends and her family (cemitas and taquitos), confiding in my roomie and vice versa, learning the ropes, and hearing from God.
As I worked, God also worked something out in me. Through some conversations and a renewed sense of what I truely love, I feel that He showed me the simplicity of the situation. That there was nothing more than a decision to be made, and it's up to me to make it. Whether I stay and work here, or follow my passion and work there, God will bless my work if it's purpose is to glorify Him.
Emily version 1.0 would have thought, "no! it can't possibly be this simple. Why aren't there fireworks, and writings on the wall, and a pillar of smoke to guide me and show me the exact next step toward God's will for my life?" Today's Emily is at peace with her God and with her future. I'm not anxious or worried about what to do, I know what to do. Regrettably, I think I always knew what to do and I've thrown myself into so many other things that I forgot about it. It came to me in the words of a friend in Mexico, words I'd heard before but I didn't know what they meant until recently: "pray it through."
I think there is a huge chasm of difference between "praying about it" and "praying it through." So instead of mentioning it to God here and there in my quiet times, I am going to bug Him about it. I insist that it becomes possible, I insist that little Josh, Asha and Jacob grow up in the Spirit. I insist that Mom can help them without me. I will bug Him about relationships, support and opportunities.
I've been learning what prayer means. D.L. Moody's daughter said it best in the form of a catechism when she was only nine years old. "Prayer is an offering up of our desires unto God for things agreeable to his will, in the name of Christ, with confession of our sins and thankful acknowledgement of his mercies." So from this point on I offer up my (agreeable) desires to Him, I ask in Jesus' name, and keeping my heart transparent and humble before Him, I thank Him for all that He is.
I'm back from only five full days in Mexico, but it was five days of serious reflection and consideration. The first day was difficult, and I admit that I felt out of place. The second day went much better and they began to give me more responsibility. By the third day I was having dinner with one of my good friends and her family (cemitas and taquitos), confiding in my roomie and vice versa, learning the ropes, and hearing from God.
As I worked, God also worked something out in me. Through some conversations and a renewed sense of what I truely love, I feel that He showed me the simplicity of the situation. That there was nothing more than a decision to be made, and it's up to me to make it. Whether I stay and work here, or follow my passion and work there, God will bless my work if it's purpose is to glorify Him.
Emily version 1.0 would have thought, "no! it can't possibly be this simple. Why aren't there fireworks, and writings on the wall, and a pillar of smoke to guide me and show me the exact next step toward God's will for my life?" Today's Emily is at peace with her God and with her future. I'm not anxious or worried about what to do, I know what to do. Regrettably, I think I always knew what to do and I've thrown myself into so many other things that I forgot about it. It came to me in the words of a friend in Mexico, words I'd heard before but I didn't know what they meant until recently: "pray it through."
I think there is a huge chasm of difference between "praying about it" and "praying it through." So instead of mentioning it to God here and there in my quiet times, I am going to bug Him about it. I insist that it becomes possible, I insist that little Josh, Asha and Jacob grow up in the Spirit. I insist that Mom can help them without me. I will bug Him about relationships, support and opportunities.
I've been learning what prayer means. D.L. Moody's daughter said it best in the form of a catechism when she was only nine years old. "Prayer is an offering up of our desires unto God for things agreeable to his will, in the name of Christ, with confession of our sins and thankful acknowledgement of his mercies." So from this point on I offer up my (agreeable) desires to Him, I ask in Jesus' name, and keeping my heart transparent and humble before Him, I thank Him for all that He is.
Monday, October 12, 2009
You Fool
1 Corinthians 1:25. That's all I have to say.
Not exactly "all" I have to say. I have questions. Good writers never ask questions, but I want to provoke some thoughts, here. Namely in those who believe that Scripture is God-breathed Truth.
If the foolishness of God is wiser than the wisdom of men, why do we depend so much on our "logic?"
If God delights in glorifying Himself by using the foolish and the lowly, why do we try so friggin hard to be cool and notably above others?
Shouldn't our Goal be Foolishness if that is what God wants to use?
I'm finding myself questioning this idea of "winsomeness" that is many times our goal when we witness. That is not to say that we should instead be irritating or brash, but why is our goal to appeal to the flesh of men, when it is the Spirit of God who appeals to the spirit of men?
I read and re-read Romans 8 and it each time it becomes harder to justify myself when I know that "the carnally [fleshly] minded set their minds on the things of the flesh and the spiritually minded on the things of the Spirit." Try to tell someone about Christ "in the flesh" and there will be failure two-fold. For us because we attempted eternal work in the flesh, and for the hearer because even if they accept our words, they may be accepting them in the flesh, which will prove temporal.
Paul pointed out that the Gospel is foolishness to our flesh. It is not our job to Convince people that He is Truth, because it goes against human logic anyway! It must be our job, then, to obediently share the Truth and trust that the Spirit will work in those who have "ears to hear."
If I try to be winsome for the Gospel, but my mind and heart are rooted in flesh and not in the Spirit, I become an empty vessel pretending to offer Living Water! Stay with me on this... Brothers and sisters, we need to pray this through. Jesus is Living Water! We can't pretend that our words and arguments possess His Spirit. They don't. As a rule, they can't. Paul knew this more than anyone. He did not come "with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power" (1 Cor 1:17).
We can actually empty the cross of its power by depending on human words!
Why could Peter and John look at a cripple and tell him to get up and walk? Because their words were so convincing that the cripple had a psychosematic episode and suddenly convinced himself that, yes, he could walk? NO! No, no, and no. Peter and John possessed the Spirit of God in such a way that they Knew that if they spoke in the Name of Jesus, that the Spirit would move and heal the man. How did they know the Holy Spirit would do that? Don't we ask Him to heal people all the time and it seems like He's not paying attention? Peter and John lived In The Spirit. They breathed the Spirit of God, they communed with Him daily, hourly!
We think prayer depends on words so we talk more. We talk over God, we drown out the whisper with our shouts of injustice. Where are our minds? Are we thinking of God in terms of our flesh? If we are, it is no wonder we don't know when the Spirit plans to move. It is no wonder we feel like God doesn't work miracles anymore. And we sit around in our Bible studies and convince each other that it's because it was necessary for God to work miracles back then so he could build the foundations of the early church, but they wouldn't have any relevance in our day because -- BULL.
We don't see miracles today because no one wants them. They go against our logic and our reason and therefore make us uncomfortable. Then, in sudden desperation we cry out to God for a miracle and then grow bitter because God doesn't comply.
Flesh. It's our curse.
Not exactly "all" I have to say. I have questions. Good writers never ask questions, but I want to provoke some thoughts, here. Namely in those who believe that Scripture is God-breathed Truth.
If the foolishness of God is wiser than the wisdom of men, why do we depend so much on our "logic?"
If God delights in glorifying Himself by using the foolish and the lowly, why do we try so friggin hard to be cool and notably above others?
Shouldn't our Goal be Foolishness if that is what God wants to use?
I'm finding myself questioning this idea of "winsomeness" that is many times our goal when we witness. That is not to say that we should instead be irritating or brash, but why is our goal to appeal to the flesh of men, when it is the Spirit of God who appeals to the spirit of men?
I read and re-read Romans 8 and it each time it becomes harder to justify myself when I know that "the carnally [fleshly] minded set their minds on the things of the flesh and the spiritually minded on the things of the Spirit." Try to tell someone about Christ "in the flesh" and there will be failure two-fold. For us because we attempted eternal work in the flesh, and for the hearer because even if they accept our words, they may be accepting them in the flesh, which will prove temporal.
Paul pointed out that the Gospel is foolishness to our flesh. It is not our job to Convince people that He is Truth, because it goes against human logic anyway! It must be our job, then, to obediently share the Truth and trust that the Spirit will work in those who have "ears to hear."
If I try to be winsome for the Gospel, but my mind and heart are rooted in flesh and not in the Spirit, I become an empty vessel pretending to offer Living Water! Stay with me on this... Brothers and sisters, we need to pray this through. Jesus is Living Water! We can't pretend that our words and arguments possess His Spirit. They don't. As a rule, they can't. Paul knew this more than anyone. He did not come "with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power" (1 Cor 1:17).
We can actually empty the cross of its power by depending on human words!
Why could Peter and John look at a cripple and tell him to get up and walk? Because their words were so convincing that the cripple had a psychosematic episode and suddenly convinced himself that, yes, he could walk? NO! No, no, and no. Peter and John possessed the Spirit of God in such a way that they Knew that if they spoke in the Name of Jesus, that the Spirit would move and heal the man. How did they know the Holy Spirit would do that? Don't we ask Him to heal people all the time and it seems like He's not paying attention? Peter and John lived In The Spirit. They breathed the Spirit of God, they communed with Him daily, hourly!
We think prayer depends on words so we talk more. We talk over God, we drown out the whisper with our shouts of injustice. Where are our minds? Are we thinking of God in terms of our flesh? If we are, it is no wonder we don't know when the Spirit plans to move. It is no wonder we feel like God doesn't work miracles anymore. And we sit around in our Bible studies and convince each other that it's because it was necessary for God to work miracles back then so he could build the foundations of the early church, but they wouldn't have any relevance in our day because -- BULL.
We don't see miracles today because no one wants them. They go against our logic and our reason and therefore make us uncomfortable. Then, in sudden desperation we cry out to God for a miracle and then grow bitter because God doesn't comply.
Flesh. It's our curse.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
A Clean Slate
God's presence... all that I long for? All that I desire? All that fulfills me? There is proof of this in my soul when it is turned toward Him in worship.
I had plans, I had passions, I had a dream.
I have nothing.
The Lord makes the plans of a righteous man to prosper. What does that say about me and my failed plans? God says His presence will go with me, that He will give me rest. I echo Moses in my heart: "If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here."
Not even the promised land after forty years of death and toil is enough to convince me this dream of milk and honey is worth giving up God's presence, even if He is in the desert.
The slate is wiped clean. I have no plan, no dream, no 'calling', no future until the God of the universe commands that I put my foot forward. Tomorrow does not exist anyway! For now I remain in the desert, with Him. Soon He may respond: "I will do as you have asked, because I am pleased with you."
I had plans, I had passions, I had a dream.
I have nothing.
The Lord makes the plans of a righteous man to prosper. What does that say about me and my failed plans? God says His presence will go with me, that He will give me rest. I echo Moses in my heart: "If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here."
Not even the promised land after forty years of death and toil is enough to convince me this dream of milk and honey is worth giving up God's presence, even if He is in the desert.
The slate is wiped clean. I have no plan, no dream, no 'calling', no future until the God of the universe commands that I put my foot forward. Tomorrow does not exist anyway! For now I remain in the desert, with Him. Soon He may respond: "I will do as you have asked, because I am pleased with you."
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Warbly Moons
This one will make sense, trust me.
I was driving down my hill last night and I looked up to see an awkward little moon. It was in that in-between stage of sort of 3/4 but not quite full either. It looked all wrong and kind of warbly, like someone had reached up and pinched a ball of white cookie dough in the sky. I laughed at the moon that night.
Sometimes life feels off or our situation looks a little warbly and funny. We all have those moments when things don't feel quite right. Well, here's a thought: just like we know that the moon isn't actually warbly and funny-shaped, God knows that our lives are not warbly either. They are just as He created them to be, and there will be phases -- I'm good at this analogy thing-- where things will be crooked and the shadows cast will seem so much darker than other times. Friends, we can take comfort that it is all temporary, that it will right itself (and un-right itself) again.
Why is that comforting? I don't know, really. I was wondering why so much of our lives is spent maintaining our lives, fixing them, "dealing" with them. Life is high maintenance! And then I'm humbled because, again, I'm focusing on me. That is when the cyclical nature of life flies of it's axis; when we take our eyes off of our warbly problem and focus on our God.
I was driving down my hill last night and I looked up to see an awkward little moon. It was in that in-between stage of sort of 3/4 but not quite full either. It looked all wrong and kind of warbly, like someone had reached up and pinched a ball of white cookie dough in the sky. I laughed at the moon that night.
Sometimes life feels off or our situation looks a little warbly and funny. We all have those moments when things don't feel quite right. Well, here's a thought: just like we know that the moon isn't actually warbly and funny-shaped, God knows that our lives are not warbly either. They are just as He created them to be, and there will be phases -- I'm good at this analogy thing-- where things will be crooked and the shadows cast will seem so much darker than other times. Friends, we can take comfort that it is all temporary, that it will right itself (and un-right itself) again.
Why is that comforting? I don't know, really. I was wondering why so much of our lives is spent maintaining our lives, fixing them, "dealing" with them. Life is high maintenance! And then I'm humbled because, again, I'm focusing on me. That is when the cyclical nature of life flies of it's axis; when we take our eyes off of our warbly problem and focus on our God.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
get rid of it
Some have said cleanliness is next to godliness. Because experience is Life's great teacher, I tend to agree. After losing the last 2 and 1/2 years of my life (in it's electronic form: half of a book I was writing, over 7,000 music files/downloads, my fiendish photo hobby), I've been feeling an odd sense of release. Cleaned out, if you will. While I cried in front of the GeekSquad it was just in that moment I couldn't see it clearly, and since then I've had some time to reflect on this loss.
I heard a song today, it was a new song, and since hearing it I've become aware of things inside me -- things I never would have been aware of if I still had my old hard drive. I obtained all that music from old boyfriends, friends that proved all wrong for me, and from times in my life that I would rather forget. Those 7,000 files represented the "old man" in me.
More than that. I realized half of the music I listened to all the time, I DIDN'T LIKE. I'm finding there is a new person in me, the Emily that has actual taste to match her personality. I used to say that I listened to "everything." Usually if you say that it really means you don't listen to anything at all really, but in my case I was listening to EvERyTHinG. I would pride myself on the sole fact that I knew at least one line from the lyrics of every song ever written from the Glen Miller big band orchestra to Elvis Presley to Sting.
I've been on a quest in the last few hours to find music that really inspires me, that feeds my soul, the way that God created music to do. I'm finding that I'm harder to please than I expected, but it's encouraging to know that I won't have to download half of the music ever written all over again.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Deeper in Love
I think there is a kind of de facto that occurs with obtaining wisdom or with a simple and faith-driven revelation. When I realized the kind and quality of love that God feels for me - I mean, the kind a fairy tale prince couldn't compare to - was when I started feeling more resentful of my situation in life. I'm "stuck" here. I don't have options. I guess waiting is the theme God has employed in my life.
I'm melancholy, no fun, and touchy, and then what does God do?
He loves me... again.
And he wants me to know more than ever in these past weeks that His love doesn't depend on my mood or circumstance. I read today that God purposely puts His saints in useless places (I had to re-read it, too). Useless? Yes! Because He is not worried about me feeling "useful," He wants me to live a life that glorifies Him to the utmost. Period. If serving Him in this hole that I'm stuck in honors Him, then I will devote myself to the hole. It's God's hole. I am nobody unless my life is His.
Deeper in love. I'm falling down this deep, endless, warm and inviting abyss of love. If I could describe to you the holes in me that are being filled, the wounds healed, the joy fulfilled, the strength provided, the utter peace within my soul... you would beg the same of Him.
His love has no boundaries. Grasp that one truth and trust, and then hang on. Life is not roses, so don't expect God to give you whatever you want, or to bless you with riches. His promise is heaven and that cannot be compared to even your most passionate desire here on earth.
I'm melancholy, no fun, and touchy, and then what does God do?
He loves me... again.
And he wants me to know more than ever in these past weeks that His love doesn't depend on my mood or circumstance. I read today that God purposely puts His saints in useless places (I had to re-read it, too). Useless? Yes! Because He is not worried about me feeling "useful," He wants me to live a life that glorifies Him to the utmost. Period. If serving Him in this hole that I'm stuck in honors Him, then I will devote myself to the hole. It's God's hole. I am nobody unless my life is His.
Deeper in love. I'm falling down this deep, endless, warm and inviting abyss of love. If I could describe to you the holes in me that are being filled, the wounds healed, the joy fulfilled, the strength provided, the utter peace within my soul... you would beg the same of Him.
His love has no boundaries. Grasp that one truth and trust, and then hang on. Life is not roses, so don't expect God to give you whatever you want, or to bless you with riches. His promise is heaven and that cannot be compared to even your most passionate desire here on earth.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Falling in love
It's funny when your life makes weird little shifts. I used to thrive on change and switching it up and making sure life didn't get too cyclical. Now, after some study and experience, I've found that constant change is probably the best way to develop inconsistent behavior and attitudes.
Change doesn't scare me, I welcome change if it is brought by God.
So I'm faced with this little life-shift. Nothing life-changing, but still, I've had to adjust. There is a certain melancholy that comes with this shift and this melancholy state has driven me to the arms of my Lover.
I want to talk about the effect of constant communion with God. The more I talk to God, worship Him, and persist in my requests of Him, I have a natural pull -- like gravity -- to be with Him more. To talk about Him more. To Love Him, Honor Him, and an urgent desire to Please Him more.
If you are wondering what it is like to be in love. To really love. Run to God. Bring yourself before Him face to face. Leave nothing hidden from Him, be honest with how you feel about Him, your life and circumstances. You can yell at Him for injustices, you can praise Him until your tongue bleeds, but in the end there is One thing left that you will desire. There will still be Something that you want more and the thirst can be insatiable: Him. Only Him.
Fall obnoxiously in Love with Him, you will find yourself craving more of His presence, you will read His Word like it was His own personal love letter written directly and only for you. He invites us to this world where heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, where your heart turns violently inside of your chest, and you won't have time for regrets, when you think about the way He loves you.
Change doesn't scare me, I welcome change if it is brought by God.
So I'm faced with this little life-shift. Nothing life-changing, but still, I've had to adjust. There is a certain melancholy that comes with this shift and this melancholy state has driven me to the arms of my Lover.
I want to talk about the effect of constant communion with God. The more I talk to God, worship Him, and persist in my requests of Him, I have a natural pull -- like gravity -- to be with Him more. To talk about Him more. To Love Him, Honor Him, and an urgent desire to Please Him more.
If you are wondering what it is like to be in love. To really love. Run to God. Bring yourself before Him face to face. Leave nothing hidden from Him, be honest with how you feel about Him, your life and circumstances. You can yell at Him for injustices, you can praise Him until your tongue bleeds, but in the end there is One thing left that you will desire. There will still be Something that you want more and the thirst can be insatiable: Him. Only Him.
Fall obnoxiously in Love with Him, you will find yourself craving more of His presence, you will read His Word like it was His own personal love letter written directly and only for you. He invites us to this world where heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, where your heart turns violently inside of your chest, and you won't have time for regrets, when you think about the way He loves you.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Clamp
I've become quite familiar with a peculiar type of clamp. It is the one you might utilize when things get too difficult or painful, and while this clamp is clearly psychosomatic and has no healing effects whatsoever, it comes dearly in handy in those dangerous situations where you might just feel something, when you don't want to lay your cards on the table, when you want to play it cool, when you need to control the situation. In many ways this clamp, this dear friend of mine, has made things easier, less painful, and best of all it can discount all feelings! It discredits all emotion, pushes it all out of you like a tube of toothpaste, and can pretty much make you a numb ball of nothing for a while. Useless, like an empty tube of toothpaste...
In recent years I have not had a reason to wield this power. Oh this lovely cage of protection! I welcome it now. It was surprising how easy it was to dig out of my old habits. Sadness is not in my nature, the disappointment will hopefully pass, and then one day I will look back and see the heartbeat of my life and for one little blip there will be a flatline. That part of my life where normalcy, my heart, and all things emotional took a little nap -- or went into a coma, however you would like to perceive it.
Problem number one: This tactic is old and worn. It takes a lot out of me to keep up the facade. I know it has nothing to do with this ridiculous theme of "guarding your heart." I know instead of trusting God, I just take control, place this glorious mechanism on my heart, and steer the wheel away from all species of hurt even if God wants me to learn from it. I feel like the little kid in Daddy's lap as we drive along. Sometimes I like to be ornery and grab onto the steering wheel, feeling smarter than Dad and pulling off the road where it looks like it might be too difficult to mud through.
How about mudding through, God? How about taking the hard road and not wasting all that emotional toothpaste?
Umm... Let me think about it.
In recent years I have not had a reason to wield this power. Oh this lovely cage of protection! I welcome it now. It was surprising how easy it was to dig out of my old habits. Sadness is not in my nature, the disappointment will hopefully pass, and then one day I will look back and see the heartbeat of my life and for one little blip there will be a flatline. That part of my life where normalcy, my heart, and all things emotional took a little nap -- or went into a coma, however you would like to perceive it.
Problem number one: This tactic is old and worn. It takes a lot out of me to keep up the facade. I know it has nothing to do with this ridiculous theme of "guarding your heart." I know instead of trusting God, I just take control, place this glorious mechanism on my heart, and steer the wheel away from all species of hurt even if God wants me to learn from it. I feel like the little kid in Daddy's lap as we drive along. Sometimes I like to be ornery and grab onto the steering wheel, feeling smarter than Dad and pulling off the road where it looks like it might be too difficult to mud through.
How about mudding through, God? How about taking the hard road and not wasting all that emotional toothpaste?
Umm... Let me think about it.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
heart flesh...
God teaches a lot through crazy human mediums. One of them of course being human nature. It is awefully easy -and natural- to look at a prize and want it so you push push push ahead to get it. Soon you're almost to the finish line when you realize the starting gun never fired.
Common sense advice: guard your heart.
I say crap to that.
The only One who can guard anything is Father God, our Lord to whom our entire lives are indebted. If not, then the minute we push, that will be the precise moment the prize will be ripped from our grasping fingers --nay, the moment our desperate empty fingers grasp at nothing. We cheat to get to the finish. We forfeit the prize. It was always our choice.
You won't hear a "no fair!" from me, God. I know who to blame.
Common sense advice: guard your heart.
I say crap to that.
The only One who can guard anything is Father God, our Lord to whom our entire lives are indebted. If not, then the minute we push, that will be the precise moment the prize will be ripped from our grasping fingers --nay, the moment our desperate empty fingers grasp at nothing. We cheat to get to the finish. We forfeit the prize. It was always our choice.
You won't hear a "no fair!" from me, God. I know who to blame.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
God ate him with a whale
There's something in the air that the breeze is hinting at: Change. This is a new front blowing in and one that came suddenly. I think my tornado dreams are going to come true and if they were prophetic, this will come in stages and never with any fear or anxiety. And finally, when I'm strolling along a beautiful sandy delta in the ocean and a hurricane sweeps over me and drags me into the ocean I will resign myself to death, but not in a frightened, panicked way. I think, 'so this is what it is to die.' The feeling in the air is an intense desire to shed myself of flesh and my preferences and my wants. Sometimes so intense I feel like I live in a flesh prison. My Life-Chapter is Romans 8 and what are the first twelve verses? 'Put flesh to death and you will live.' Ok, God.
It's not just that I don't want to get eaten by a whale, I don't want to resist where God is directing me, I want to be useful, I want to surrender my life so that God can use it, I don't Want it to be mine! So, God, may I finally once and for all decrease so that You may increase? Can you strip me of my old passions to make room for new ones? Eternal ones?
It's not just that I don't want to get eaten by a whale, I don't want to resist where God is directing me, I want to be useful, I want to surrender my life so that God can use it, I don't Want it to be mine! So, God, may I finally once and for all decrease so that You may increase? Can you strip me of my old passions to make room for new ones? Eternal ones?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
One ill-thought-out case for feelings
I've been hearing some talk bashing the concept of feelings and "following your heart" as it were. While I am no advocate of Hollywood's idea of "heart," I am willing to play the devil's advocate for the theory that feelings have the potential to be a good thing.
To begin the argument in good faith I have to address a comment that spurred the writing of this blog. I read a facebook status, "Feelings are poor counselors. They hate logic and despise reason." For the sake of my argument I will assume that the author of this statement is referring to emotions.
My first case-study is of Jesus Christ, and his ability to discern between "good" emotions and "bad" ones. Most of the healings and miracles were done because He was moved with compassion for the people or person in need. (Luke 7:11-16) If he were to think "logically" his logic would go something like this: I know these people will despise me after I have done them this great favor, if justice is my mantra and these will soon reject justice then they do not deserve healing. Instead, He stretched out his hand in mercy because "His heart overflowed with compassion."
In contrast, he was clearly able to recognize a bad emotion when he felt it and by trusting God was able to overcome it (Matt 26:37-39). He was feeling sorrowful, the heavy burden of fear, yet he was able to genuinely say to God, "Not my will [--emotions]") because he knew that his emotions in that moment contradicted the will of God.
My second case study is derived from the infamous Adolf Hitler. Don't get your drawers in a bunch and allow me to finish. I simply want to say that when he began his campaign, he was a great orator and his speech was far from unreasonable. It appealed to the masses and his idea became the epitome of logic to those who chose to follow his leading. It was only logical that the Germans were the superior race, it follows that the only logical conclusion is that Jews are dirt. Hitler, in stark contrast to Christ, was wholly unemotional, not driven by mercy or compassion, but purely by Satan himself under the guise of reason.
So there you have it.
Two case studies and I come to one conclusion: that if your life and spirit are in alignment with God, it should then only be a matter of discerning whether the emotions felt are in contest with the will of God.
To begin the argument in good faith I have to address a comment that spurred the writing of this blog. I read a facebook status, "Feelings are poor counselors. They hate logic and despise reason." For the sake of my argument I will assume that the author of this statement is referring to emotions.
My first case-study is of Jesus Christ, and his ability to discern between "good" emotions and "bad" ones. Most of the healings and miracles were done because He was moved with compassion for the people or person in need. (Luke 7:11-16) If he were to think "logically" his logic would go something like this: I know these people will despise me after I have done them this great favor, if justice is my mantra and these will soon reject justice then they do not deserve healing. Instead, He stretched out his hand in mercy because "His heart overflowed with compassion."
In contrast, he was clearly able to recognize a bad emotion when he felt it and by trusting God was able to overcome it (Matt 26:37-39). He was feeling sorrowful, the heavy burden of fear, yet he was able to genuinely say to God, "Not my will [--emotions]") because he knew that his emotions in that moment contradicted the will of God.
My second case study is derived from the infamous Adolf Hitler. Don't get your drawers in a bunch and allow me to finish. I simply want to say that when he began his campaign, he was a great orator and his speech was far from unreasonable. It appealed to the masses and his idea became the epitome of logic to those who chose to follow his leading. It was only logical that the Germans were the superior race, it follows that the only logical conclusion is that Jews are dirt. Hitler, in stark contrast to Christ, was wholly unemotional, not driven by mercy or compassion, but purely by Satan himself under the guise of reason.
So there you have it.
Two case studies and I come to one conclusion: that if your life and spirit are in alignment with God, it should then only be a matter of discerning whether the emotions felt are in contest with the will of God.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
What does forever mean?
No seriously, does anyone have the brain capacity to really grasp the concept of 'forever'? Thousands of years of searching for answers, the selling of souls, legends of fountains of youth that offer eternal youth. The search for life everlasting is not a novelty in either primitive or civilized cultures. So, what is so scary about death or dying? Why do we fight against it? What makes our human nature so averse to the idea of leaving our flesh bodies behind?
My thoughts on eternity were awakened this morning. If I were to die today, I would not want to be remembered for the depth of my friendships, my big hair or all that hyperactivity. I would want the Christ in me to be remembered, and that my death would be my ultimate "decrease" which would cause the ultimate "Increase." The death of one who believed in the Savior and is promised eternal life should be used for glory. It might be more logical, instead of harboring a deep sorrow, to be jealous...
In a way we've been left behind to handle the "live-is-Christ" side of things, left to suffer (yet, what an awesome priviledge), while the departed has gained. While he stands before God Almighty in the throne room I don't imagine he is really thinking so much about our tears! His heart is free from sorrow. He knows something we are not able to fully comprehend: Death is the fulfillment of our centuries-long search for life.
My thoughts on eternity were awakened this morning. If I were to die today, I would not want to be remembered for the depth of my friendships, my big hair or all that hyperactivity. I would want the Christ in me to be remembered, and that my death would be my ultimate "decrease" which would cause the ultimate "Increase." The death of one who believed in the Savior and is promised eternal life should be used for glory. It might be more logical, instead of harboring a deep sorrow, to be jealous...
In a way we've been left behind to handle the "live-is-Christ" side of things, left to suffer (yet, what an awesome priviledge), while the departed has gained. While he stands before God Almighty in the throne room I don't imagine he is really thinking so much about our tears! His heart is free from sorrow. He knows something we are not able to fully comprehend: Death is the fulfillment of our centuries-long search for life.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Facebook Status
Funny how little things will strike us as interesting or hilarious, but instead of doing something productive or useful with our own ingenious thoughts or ideas, we turn them into something as clever as a facebook status, or a blog title, or a comment on a site somewhere.
Technology is sucking the productivity out of creativity!
I decided to fight fire with fire, I commit to combating technology's sucking juices and using the talents God has given me to start a one-life revolution! Don't think I don't know what you're thinking. This is a blog that is a technology-based medium for supposedly creative people like myself. The leaf I am turning over is to stop thinking of clever things to simply post on a website or stick on my facebook page. Instead, I'll turn it into something readable, publishable, worthy of note, and made for non-computer related mediums (e.g. books, magazines, etc.)
I'm a lot of talk and this post will hopefully egg me on to take some mad action.
Technology is sucking the productivity out of creativity!
I decided to fight fire with fire, I commit to combating technology's sucking juices and using the talents God has given me to start a one-life revolution! Don't think I don't know what you're thinking. This is a blog that is a technology-based medium for supposedly creative people like myself. The leaf I am turning over is to stop thinking of clever things to simply post on a website or stick on my facebook page. Instead, I'll turn it into something readable, publishable, worthy of note, and made for non-computer related mediums (e.g. books, magazines, etc.)
I'm a lot of talk and this post will hopefully egg me on to take some mad action.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
What are you up to?
Interested in making millions? Becoming famous and adored by the masses? Marrying that gorgeous fella/dame? Well, you're not alone! There are few who don't wish for these things and some even spend their lives either pursuing this fantasy or obsess over the telecasting of those brave enough to sacrifice so much in pursuit of it all (e.g. American Idol, Bachelor).
So, let me pose the question: Does it fix it? That gaping void in your life must be filled when you win the million dollars, marry the hottie or get the record deal or there wouldn't be entire shows devoted to obtaining these goals. I must pose the question: Why then is the rate of drug use and suicide so high among those who've lived the life-style from day one? I'm thinking of Elvis Prestley, Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger... why is divorce so rampant among rich and famous? I thought all your dreams and desires were fulfilled!
My frustration lies with the blatant rejection of One who not only offers to fill this void, but longs to do so with the sole motive of love. Even when He was on earth He knew that people were going to stare Eternity in the face and spit on Him with a snarl of hatred. Instead of striking us dead like we deserved, He loved us in spite of our hate, in spite of our dull hearts, in spite of our blind eyes. Forgiveness is central to His choice to offer His own flesh as the awesome price for our debt of death. This Offering brought victory and endless joy! So, at the risk of sounding logical, it would only make sense then that to offer our flesh (our lives) in the same way, in love and with humility, that we would see victory in our own lives and even taste a joy that is the stuff of realized dreams.
So, let me pose the question: Does it fix it? That gaping void in your life must be filled when you win the million dollars, marry the hottie or get the record deal or there wouldn't be entire shows devoted to obtaining these goals. I must pose the question: Why then is the rate of drug use and suicide so high among those who've lived the life-style from day one? I'm thinking of Elvis Prestley, Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger... why is divorce so rampant among rich and famous? I thought all your dreams and desires were fulfilled!
My frustration lies with the blatant rejection of One who not only offers to fill this void, but longs to do so with the sole motive of love. Even when He was on earth He knew that people were going to stare Eternity in the face and spit on Him with a snarl of hatred. Instead of striking us dead like we deserved, He loved us in spite of our hate, in spite of our dull hearts, in spite of our blind eyes. Forgiveness is central to His choice to offer His own flesh as the awesome price for our debt of death. This Offering brought victory and endless joy! So, at the risk of sounding logical, it would only make sense then that to offer our flesh (our lives) in the same way, in love and with humility, that we would see victory in our own lives and even taste a joy that is the stuff of realized dreams.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Random 25: short-and-sweet
Out of desperation for something to write, I'm forced to follow suit and write 25 random things about myself that have nothing to do with anything relevant in my life, which is an admittedly wonderful distraction for me right now.
1. I'm very emotional, I cry for almost any reason.
2. My passion in life is Jesus Christ.
3. My most recent motto is "Knowledge is power."
4. I have the heart of a nomad. If I'm not just thinking about going somewhere I'm already planning the trip.
5. One of my favorite activities is going to my grandmother's to clip her toenails for her.
6. I am fluent in Spanish and can understand and speak some Portuguese.
7. My favorite person to spend time with is 7 years old.
8. I have to work really hard for an adrenaline rush... even paragliding didn't do it. But oddly enough, if I force the air out of my lungs and let my body go limp while closing my eyes at the top of the Power Tower, then I can feel the "drug" for an entire 1 and 1/2 seconds.
9. I wear long johns all winter long.
10. I think I could do life without ever getting married.
11. My parents' word is golden to me.
12. I'm a freak when it comes to following rules (this is a recent trait), I can't break even one.
13. I can comfortably go days without showering, sometimes I wonder if people can tell.
14. I love to PLAN!! I have excel sheets and lists and budgets and calendars all for 2009.
15. I know one line from almost every song ever written, just don't ask me who performed it...
16. I travelled through and lived in South America and plan to see the rest and more "up close" one day.
17. I live to write and was recently struggling through one of the worst blocks I've ever dealt with. Now I'm writing travel memoirs and will be published by the end of the summer.
18. In Africa, when I was five, I taught my three year-old neighbor English... after teaching myself to read.
19. Also, while in Africa and still five years old, I once saved a boy from drowning (with a help from my twin brother..)
20. I've walked the four day Inca Trail and reached Machu Picchu.
21. I love deliberate faith challenges and one of my favorite things is street evangelizing.
22. If you want to see me outraged, mistreat a child.
23. This is taking way too long to think up 25 clever things about myself...
24. Almost everything I own is a hand-me-down or a gift.
25. My room is decorated safari-island style... I even have a mosquito net.
1. I'm very emotional, I cry for almost any reason.
2. My passion in life is Jesus Christ.
3. My most recent motto is "Knowledge is power."
4. I have the heart of a nomad. If I'm not just thinking about going somewhere I'm already planning the trip.
5. One of my favorite activities is going to my grandmother's to clip her toenails for her.
6. I am fluent in Spanish and can understand and speak some Portuguese.
7. My favorite person to spend time with is 7 years old.
8. I have to work really hard for an adrenaline rush... even paragliding didn't do it. But oddly enough, if I force the air out of my lungs and let my body go limp while closing my eyes at the top of the Power Tower, then I can feel the "drug" for an entire 1 and 1/2 seconds.
9. I wear long johns all winter long.
10. I think I could do life without ever getting married.
11. My parents' word is golden to me.
12. I'm a freak when it comes to following rules (this is a recent trait), I can't break even one.
13. I can comfortably go days without showering, sometimes I wonder if people can tell.
14. I love to PLAN!! I have excel sheets and lists and budgets and calendars all for 2009.
15. I know one line from almost every song ever written, just don't ask me who performed it...
16. I travelled through and lived in South America and plan to see the rest and more "up close" one day.
17. I live to write and was recently struggling through one of the worst blocks I've ever dealt with. Now I'm writing travel memoirs and will be published by the end of the summer.
18. In Africa, when I was five, I taught my three year-old neighbor English... after teaching myself to read.
19. Also, while in Africa and still five years old, I once saved a boy from drowning (with a help from my twin brother..)
20. I've walked the four day Inca Trail and reached Machu Picchu.
21. I love deliberate faith challenges and one of my favorite things is street evangelizing.
22. If you want to see me outraged, mistreat a child.
23. This is taking way too long to think up 25 clever things about myself...
24. Almost everything I own is a hand-me-down or a gift.
25. My room is decorated safari-island style... I even have a mosquito net.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I'm losing it
I can't stand to read my own blogs... I deleted a bunch of them and I spent the last half an hour thinking up something all smart to say and I came up with some pretty dang good ideas if I do say so myself... if only they were interesting. I neeeeed to write! I've got nothing.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
anecdote or antidote?
I don't so much want to escape this place, this tundra of -20 degrees ferenheit, no. In fact I've never been more content here with growing friendships, leadening anchors and true purpose. It's just that --- my first love! Travel. Adventure. Having something to write about. If I'm not somewhere I'm not anything and when I'm nowhere and think about somewhere my heart races, my palms sweat and my mouth waters. What is that? Lust?
Whoever decided to invent the word "content" must have lived a charmed life. I'm doing my darndest to find contentment, and really the only time I feel that I have half a chance of not going insane from restlessness -- the need to go to Mexico, Colombia, Brazil or really wherever God will lead me -- is when I spend a time in prayer.
Prayer. It's a funny thing to go from total confusion to complete peace in just a single moment from just a few words uttered up to outer space.
This restlessness gets a tougher to choke back everyday. Anxious to go and becoming more anchored here; getting less attached and more involved, and on another level more attached; letting God handle things here and then being obligated to stay anyway. Thinking on what Pastor Mark might say if asked about it all, I think I'll start here and start small and His plan will unfold, doors will open - or close - , my heart will lead me as long as my heart is the Lord's; now He and my heart are safely locked up just to the right of my soul.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
P.S. I wrote a poem
Flesh
This softness
fragile, breakable
Its strength formidable
Complex and misunderstood
a weapon, a vice
Pain's source
Sorrow's fount
Soft flesh
Tough bone
a cage, a home
Inviting, deceptive
enticing, vicious, constricting
Nothing
everything
Nothing
obsession
Nothing
A tool in the Hand
useful, humble
A wineskin without wine
dry
Poured out
Healing balm
Empty
Thirsty
Nothing
This softness
fragile, breakable
Its strength formidable
Complex and misunderstood
a weapon, a vice
Pain's source
Sorrow's fount
Soft flesh
Tough bone
a cage, a home
Inviting, deceptive
enticing, vicious, constricting
Nothing
everything
Nothing
obsession
Nothing
A tool in the Hand
useful, humble
A wineskin without wine
dry
Poured out
Healing balm
Empty
Thirsty
Nothing
The Plan
Words escape me right now... I give out this blog to everyone I know and it really is a bit amazing how much I share, and have shared on my blog. In other respects its amazing how much I haven't shared considering how much I have already shared.
That said, I got home from Faithwalkers, an event with Evergreen, The Rock Church, which is a part of the Great Commission Movement in the U.S. here. I went to a particular workshop where a passionate missionary said two things that stuck with me. The first was that he didn't think that this movement had a clue about missions and what they mean to the Great Commission (it essentially is the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19,20). There are virtually no missionaries going out from the churches of GCM. The second thing he said was a question: "why is the default to stay?" He stated matter-of-factly that it is logically the next step in the Christian walk, we should be planning to go and be only willing to stay!
Another inspiration of this week was International Student Ministries (ISM). Logically this ministry targets students from other countries because they are here, we don't pay to go to the other country, and we can disciple them for a period of time while they are here to study. When they go to their home countries they don't need special visas, they don't need to study a language or learn to adapt to a new culture, and can be their countries own Light! It was pointed out to me that the Rock where I attend does not participate in ISM and I have taken it upon myself and inspired at least one other person with little effort to begin this project. I have already told one of my small group leaders so I will be held accountable for what I'm up to and planning to do.
Speaking of plans...
I don't know what God wants me to do; this isn't news and I'm sure it sounds like you've heard it before. In any case the plan was that after an extended period of time here (I still don't know how long) I would go back to Esperanza Viva in Puebla to serve there as an intern for the alotted year, work and learn and from there work on a ministry in Colombia, and I feel even a tug towards the Amazon of Brazil. Long story short, I feel that I've already boxed God in and the old saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" has stuck with me even till now. I honestly can say that my desire, my heart is for this plan, but there comes a point where this plan has to take a back-seat to God's Ultimate Plan.
You're my Everything!
That said, I got home from Faithwalkers, an event with Evergreen, The Rock Church, which is a part of the Great Commission Movement in the U.S. here. I went to a particular workshop where a passionate missionary said two things that stuck with me. The first was that he didn't think that this movement had a clue about missions and what they mean to the Great Commission (it essentially is the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19,20). There are virtually no missionaries going out from the churches of GCM. The second thing he said was a question: "why is the default to stay?" He stated matter-of-factly that it is logically the next step in the Christian walk, we should be planning to go and be only willing to stay!
Another inspiration of this week was International Student Ministries (ISM). Logically this ministry targets students from other countries because they are here, we don't pay to go to the other country, and we can disciple them for a period of time while they are here to study. When they go to their home countries they don't need special visas, they don't need to study a language or learn to adapt to a new culture, and can be their countries own Light! It was pointed out to me that the Rock where I attend does not participate in ISM and I have taken it upon myself and inspired at least one other person with little effort to begin this project. I have already told one of my small group leaders so I will be held accountable for what I'm up to and planning to do.
Speaking of plans...
I don't know what God wants me to do; this isn't news and I'm sure it sounds like you've heard it before. In any case the plan was that after an extended period of time here (I still don't know how long) I would go back to Esperanza Viva in Puebla to serve there as an intern for the alotted year, work and learn and from there work on a ministry in Colombia, and I feel even a tug towards the Amazon of Brazil. Long story short, I feel that I've already boxed God in and the old saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" has stuck with me even till now. I honestly can say that my desire, my heart is for this plan, but there comes a point where this plan has to take a back-seat to God's Ultimate Plan.
You're my Everything!
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